On Set with SMB

Sunday SMB started recording their music video for their up coming single! I'm actually not sure if it was ever considered to have a photographer there or not. I lucked out however. TJ, SMBs sound guy had a Canon Rebel and I got to fulfill a long time dream to take photos with a good camera! For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to take some kind of photography class but always let fear get in the way! But not on Sunday! I felt like a pro! haha

I had a blast! I got to see the boys have fun, listen to a great song and hang with friends and family! I thought there would be more stress but there wasn't! It was an all around great day! We got there around 11 and loaded in. Had a little glitch with the sound but they figured it out and got started! There was over 75 minutes of video recorded for a 4 minute song! They were done and packed up by 5pm! I am very excited to see what Rob puts together! We are a ways from the final cut! I don't want to give too much away lol I'm sure Steve has a few more idea's for their first music video!

Here's a sneak peak of some unedited photos I took that day! I hope you enjoy them as much as I did taking them!

All photos are property of SMB. Please contact Steve McQueen directly to use or copy these photos. Thank you. 

The ending with new beginnings

Every time I see this one particular person he is always commenting on how fit I am, how amazing I look and how wonderful it is to see how happy I am!

He new me in probably one of my darkest times. I was lost, depressed and nothing made me happy!

It's taken me a long time to be grateful for the life I have created for myself! To love and stay in love with the blessings in front of me today! To stop looking for more! To know that everything IS going my way! Even when hard times come around! It allows me to look at it all as a lesson! To learn and grow! Not to play woe is me and feel sorry for myself! I'm learning to embrace emotions! Acknowledge them and then move on! Even as broken as I may think I still am! I am learning to live broken! Happily broken! Happily me!

But for the past week I've been hiding my sadness. A part of my life is ending. A part only a Mother knows. I am going on day three of not breast feeding. I've known for a while the end was coming. Every time I am alone I cry! I'm torn. I want to continue but I want to stop at the same time. The last time I tried nursed him he didn't take. Yesterday I'm sure he could have. This is where I'm torn. Do I try and continue when he needs that little bit of comfort? Or do I run for that freedom I've longed for. Is this the last time I'm going to experience this magical bond between a mother and a baby?

I might have one last moment with him today! Like I had with my oldest! One last goodbye to breast feeding!

I'm very grateful that I was given the chance to breastfeed full time for both my boys! It truly is a magical experience!

I'm also grateful that my life is the way my friend sees it! He's to kind to my ego!

Here is to the next stage in life!

Oh blogging how I miss you

When I was on mat leave I found comfort in twitter and blogging! I have always wanted to write but never believed I was good enough at it! I'm sure I've said that before! My grammar sucks! Ask my wonderful cousin who often facebooks me my errors to correct! I love my editor! She's hired if I ever do write a book! So I thought this would be my step to learning a new hobby!

Now I'm back at work and I have fallen behind like I have with so many other "Hobbies"! You should see my half assed baby blanket I started for Jaden sitting in my closet! Or the other 3 from 5 years ago! Not to mention the half read books, multiple uncompleted and now irrelevant posts and endless to do list!

I guess it all comes down to time management and choices! Instead of writing at night I'm catching up on Y&R or this week Desperate Housewives! Oppp! Or trying to find a cooler place to hang out with my boys! I'm also just wasting time constantly checking my phone for no reason at all!

Work is busy! I love every minute of it! I'm happy to be back! We are all still trying to find a routine! And of course come September we will have to find yet another!

Right now I'm constantly thinking "One step at a time" and "Everything is Going My Way"!

My life is busy and I love it! But I miss all the conversations I used to have with amazing people on twitter, reading blogs and blogging myself!

Well time to get back to it! Have a great Wednesday!

Stress...

I was laying in bed mentally and physically exhausted last night but could not fall asleep. I had this huge to do list on constant replay I just can not seem to start! I have no energy or drive to even try and figure out where to begin. I need help which I still dong feel like I'm getting. Having two boys doesn't help either. I need a break from my responsibilities. I fantasize about renting a hotel room with a king size bed and sleeping until I feel rested! Then heading for a day in a spa and sleeping some more!

I filled out this chart the other day. On a scale of 1 to 10 where do I feel I am...

Social Life - 1

Physical Health - 3

Mental/Spiritual Health - 3

Family Life - 7

Job - 7

Financial - 1

I can't think of the other ones or if there were any more. Overall I am stressed. I am not getting the amount of sleep I need to do everything I need to do. I don't feel like I'm getting the help I need to make sure some of this stress isn't even stress at all. I started going to the gym but as good as that is I'm still tired! I'm working on my financial situation so I'll visit that in a few months and well the rest will hopefully fall into place. I can't do anything about my sleep. I have a one year old who does not always sleep through the night. He still nurses 3 to 5 times a day. 2 if I'm lucky!
I don't have very many close friends and the ones I do consider close live far way! I don't want to go out clubbing. I'd rather do dinners or other get together. But yeah... whatever
I love my job! It's a lot better now since I've been back! It can be stressful but it's a job! It pays my bills and it gives me more then  just a 5 or 1 year old conversation! It's my break from a fucking disaster of a house...
My wonderful husband and I need to make for time for each other!

So back to this to do list. The constant clutter... When will I find the energy to de-clutter my life???

Woman of Influence

I have never had very high self confidence. Even to this day. I would always wish I was some body else. I would look at others and think how much prettier they were, or smarter, or just plain better then me! If I got into a hobby and asked a friend to join me I always started to think that I wasn't as good at it as them and would stop doing said hobby or wouldn't try very hard. I can see this feeling sneak in even with my Passion Parties business. I question how good I am at being a consultant and why others are more successful then me? I'm scared to call people to see if they are happy with their product or if they simply need more items. I'm just scared! But I'm also tired of these thoughts...

I'm told now that people envy me. They want what I have! And I have to remind myself how blessed I truly am. How pretty I am, how talented I am, how successful I am, how smart I am and that I am truly a woman of influence! Passion defines a Woman of Influence as a DIVA: Disciplined, Inspired, Vibrant and Accomplished! I am all of those in my life as a whole! I may not always have a full party calendar however I am a very busy and successful woman, mother and wife! I finished school, work a full time job, married a loving man who is an amazing father to our two boys, bought a home and run a business! I lost my baby weight and them some and I feel good! I'm now working on scheduling in more me time and a few extra parties to pay down my debt! 

I'm not really to sure who I look up to any more. I'm doing my best not to compare my life to others. It's something that really isn't worth doing. I'm trying to clear out my thoughts and my life to have some room to breath! One step at a time! I'm learning that I am in control of my life and my business and if I choose to go with the flow and not push then that's that! I do not what to have to justify anything! It's just the way it is! My family needed the break. I needed the break! And now I'm ready to ease back into it! I've been back at work for a while now and it's going very well! I am very happy there! I love working at a JOB! I do not want to be a stay at home mom! My life is good! And making it to the gym before work twice last week was a very positive accomplishment! My next goal is to schedule in deep cleaning time to organize this chaos of a house! I do have wine for those who would love to help me! 

I hope that my life inspires others to do the same! Be a true DIVA! Keep moving forward! We only have one life! If you are not happy with something then you must do something to change it! 

Back On Track

I have been talking about managing my time better and getting back on track with the gym. Finding another routine. Taking care of me! I miss the gym. I miss my classed. The downfall is the time of the classes I can take are at night. Either right after I get off work or around dinner/bed time. That is just not going to work for me or my family and business! And I'm usually dead tired. So that leaves the morning. They say you get a better bang for your buck working out in the morning. It's better for your metabolism. But I really don't know all that much. I should research some more. I would also not have to worry about the boys! Who's going to watch them or if the gym's daycare is open.

Here's the big question. Do I really want to leave my house at 4:50am to work out from 5am to 6am? AND there are no classes. Will I be able to get a good work out on my own without a personal trainer or guidance?

I will have to put my fear aside and have faith that I know what I need to do. It's not as if I have never worked out before! I can create a set of work out routines to rotate. Write them down and just do it! But the one thing I loved about going to classes was the fact that I didn't really have to think. I just did what I was told and was pushed to finish!

So now to work up the endurance to drag my sorry ass out of bed to go to the gym! My alarm is already set for 4:30! I will just have to avoid hitting the snooze for an hour and actually get up! Make everything the night before and I should be good! It would be so much easier if I had a buddy! I wonder if I could meet someone there and pair up!?

Last time I checked I was 124lbs. When I stepped on a friends scale it looked closer to 122. But I can not be for sure! And it's not a big deal for me. That number. It's really irrelevant. I want to tone my mid section and continue to build strength!

I would like to go Tuesday to Friday! 4 days a week! But I'll be happy with 3 even!

I can do this! I am worth it! I can start Tuesday June 12th - 5am!

Now to plan a routine...

Budgets... What?

I'm an accountant. I work with numbers all day. Mostly I balance journals and receivables. I am usually very organized at work and on top of everything.

Until I go home!

When I come home I feel not so organized and lost. I have a budget and a schedule and can not keep track of either. I feel like I'm drowning.

I know what I need to do. I have all the tools: Mantras, spreadsheets, jobs! But it's still not enough. It killed me when everyone cancelled on me this past month and my emotional levels were a mess to say the least. I lost touch with myself. My ability to have faith in life. In my future. In my business.

I said I was going to go back to the gym and get back on that routine. 5 days into June and I haven't had the chance!

My Passion money isn't going to my student loans as planned. I shouldn't have bought new work clothes but I needed to! It's the price of losing weight. I'm trying to play catch up! And not very well.

I need to figure this out! I need help! I need a Christian Grey to give me $24,000. That would cover a few things! lol Can I get a Mr. Christian Grey with not strings please? Bahahahaha Wishful thinking... Sigh

I know this is going to take time. Getting back on track after mat leave. That killed me financially. Now I feel like I'm dying emotionally! Lack of sleep and messed up hormones. What a mess!

Next month my student loans are going to be combined! That should give me a little bit of an edge to get them paid down faster! I am going to sit down and go over my budget yet again! Go over the past 6 months and find out what I'm spending my money on and what I can cut out! AND STICK WITH IT! Possibly get that program that will auto download my debits for me. Save me so time on data entry!

Why is it so hard? Debits and Credits! Left and Right. You either have it or you do! Gaaaaahhhhhhhhh

I can help people create and follow a budget easily! Why can I not take my own advice???

I AM A MONEY FREAKEN MAGNET!!!!