I wanted to inform you I am starting a new continuing on a journey started in earlier this year called Project Joyful! I have created a blog, instagram and facebook page! I would love for you to join me on this new adventure of learning and living via my core desire feelings! Hopefully I can switch over my twitter name soon too. I am grateful for finding my sanity! It helped me get things out when I needed it the most! But it's time for growth! Change!
Thank you all for reading! I hope you have a happy new year and see you over on Projectjoyful!
So today is day one after starting the iron supplements. I'm sure some people think it's nothing but it's big for me. I'm tired of feeling so tired. I have often felt like I was stuck in a whole I couldn't climb out of. Each time I try and get out the dirt keeps washing over me. I felt like I was close to getting out earlier this year. I had so much hope and ambition. New job, new yoga practice, new routines, taking courses, and planning a future of events. And like my last post. I just stopped. I got more tired. And just stopped. I've actually been worried about depression but deep down I knew that wasn't it. It had to be just life. Just busy.
It's Friday and I'm already ready for bed. I was tired all day. I don't want to disappoint my husband again by going to bed so early. I feel horrible. But it's all I want to do. I told him last night I felt like I was having an affair with our bed.
I stopped taking time most evenings to wash my face
I stopped reading
I stopped consistently eating healthy
I stopped running
I stopped yoga
I stopped drinking more water
I stopped caring
I stopped trying
I stopped wanting
So I finally went to see my doctor and found out my iron is extremely low.
So hopefully once I start taking this iron supplement I can start feeling ambitious again. Work on my deserve level and belief system again. Hit my pillow and sit for a few minutes in the morning and at night. I've been eating to get up in the morning to medite and exercise for so long. But I habitually hit the snooze button for 30 to 60 minutes... Depending on if I need a shower. I can't stay up late either. I try drinking coffee after noon just to make an attempt and sometimes it works but other times I'm just so overtired I'm drained yet wide awake. I remember having so much energy one night even I was amazed with myself! But I was doing everything listed above.
I quit things easily. I tell myself I'm not good enough for almost everything. This life to those friends. I'm my own worst enemy and I want to be my best friend. Then I can at least say I have one. Bit right now I can't even say that. I stopped being friends with people. And in not even sure why.
So here is to the first day of my entire life! Dear iron supplements... Do your shit! I need you more than ever!
Well it's official. All of the baby stuff is gone. Minus maybe the odd toy or misc item lost in the chaos of our basement. I know I'm done having children. Maybe. Ok so I'm not 100% sure but I know having another child right now would not be smart. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. The financially strapped, diaper changing, sleepless night tunnel!
So why am I so blood sad? All I did last night was cry. All I wanted to do today was cry. All I want to do right now is cry.
It's gone. But it's not like if we ever did happen to get pregnant again we couldn't get it all back!
Lately I have been faced with having to let go of things and move on. But it's hard for me. I make things so bloody hard. I feel extremely alone yet I don't even want to reach out. Even right now I want to desperately sob in my husbands arms yet I'm not reaching out. I'm holding it in. Waiting for my next shower to let it all out!
Why is letting go so hard when you really want to look forward to the future? I am so excited to spend every moment possible enjoying the next stages of my children! Life is easier now. Less to worry about or maintain. I love how my oldest is so helpful and we can do so much more with him now. Our youngest is just starting the potty training stages so I'm stressed out about that. About how stubborn he is and how difficult he's being. But I also know it's not going to last. So I'm trying to step back & not push yet still gently encourage him.
So I apologize for not being my usually bubbly, positive self everyone says I am and counts on. I'm going to take a few days to morn the end of the baby stage here! 😭
It's been forever since I've blogged. I don't have a lot of free time at my new job and when I get home I'm running around trying to keep up with our life and fall into bed immediately after my boys go down!
On Canada Day I flew my oldest son out to Vancouver Island to spend just over two weeks with my grandparents and my cousins boys. While I was there I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and joy! Something I rarely feel at home.
It got me thinking (again). What will make me happy? I know I am the only one who can create this feeling inside of me. I started thinking about my core desire feelings again! In December I purchased Danielle LaPorte's book "Desire Map" and haven't even read it. I think I need to put down the books I'm reading right now and start on this one!
I also need to start my meditation practice again. I've been pushing that aside and choosing to just crawl into bed. But it's true to what Gabby says around not making time to meditate. "Do you have time to feel like shit?"
It was also brought to my attention last night that money does not make you happy. I knew this. I've heard of this. But I finally seen it. So regardless of your financial situation happiness comes from inside! I have a goal to pay off my debt (as does the rest of the world) but I have this old belief that I will be happier? Maybe because I feel I could afford to finally do the things I desire. Banff trips, signing up for a pottery & painting class, joining a climbing gym again, taking level one Kundalini teacher training, camping and so on.
Which brings me to my personal project. Project Happy!
You know that moment you sit yourself down, analyze the life you've created and ask yourself WTF. Why am I unhappy? Why does this life not bring me joy? Why do I look at what others are doing and wish I was doing it, but am doing nothing to change that?
I know I need to be outside more. So that's my plan! Even if it's just going to be me going for a run or heading out of town for the day to go hiking. I will most likely drag my kids along with me! Pack a lunch and off we go! I am doing it! I'm sick of not doing things I used to do! I'm tired of myself dreading the thought of going home at night or not really looking forward to the weekend.
Project Happy is my plan to change that! I have the time now since I stopped doing parties.
So where are you at?
Are you happy?
If yes, what are you doing?
If no, what are you going to do about it?
I decided I was goin to be a bit more healthier last month. I stopped drinking coffee, started juicing, oil pulling and drinking hot lemon water with a bit of coconut oil in the morning. Of course since January I started boot camp at work, Kundalini Yoga & Tae Kwon-Do. I don't own a scale so I can't say if I've lost any weight but I can see a bit of a difference around my face. My baby belly however has maybe gone down a bit. (Insert ugh sound here and note to cut down on crappy carb intake)
I've made it this far with my new work out routine but it's the early morning ones around the 3 week mark my ego steps in and pulls out his bag of tricks to keep me from continuing. I can't seem to get up in time to meditate in the morning. Sleep is my lover. And lately I have to talk myself into oil pulling and juicing. I juiced this am but skipped the pulling due to time! (But I can type this out while my eggs boil? Lol)
I'm pretty happy I am able to see my give up habit. Where the kettle voice steps in and says you're not good enough. I can remember hearing that voice all throughout high school either when I was trying to build a new friendship or try out a new sport or even attempt to study. Now I'm spending the first part of my 30's trying to shut it up and be what I coul have been 15 years ago!
So it's been almost three weeks off coffee... I think? And oil pulling. Almost three weeks of juicing!
So here I am with my ego again. And I know I will win. I just need to push the next week. Talk myself into goodness.
What's your stop mark? When do you usually want to give up? Tell me about it and let's push through together!
About a week or so ago someone shared a blog about Oilpulling on Facebook.
I was intreaged and thought I'd give it a try.
If you are not in the loop or haven't been on Facebook or Twitter for a while, Oilpulling is simply swooshing oil around in your mouth for about 20 minutes. It apparently has a bunch of benefits.
I'm using Coconut Oil. Organice and unrefined. I take about a teaspoon in the morning while I get ready for work before I eat or drink anything. 20 minutes is a long time but when you are doing this along side your normal morning routine it goes by fast. I tried it with the little bit of non-aroma coconut oil I had on the first day and then regular oil the next. I loved the aroma one the best. It leaves this beautiful coconut after taste! Mmmmm
You can also use grape seed oil. I hear that's the best. It's on my list to try one day! Right now I am getting used to how the coconut oil melts in my mouth. It's really strange at first but once it liquifies it's a cool experience.
All I really want to see is whiter teeth and an all around healtheir mouth. I drink coffee and tea so it will be interesting to see if it keeps those stains off. I did say the other day I was going to stop drinking coffee. And then day light savings came. So now I'm working on cutting down my two cups a day to one! And eventually close to no coffee at all. I had to stop drinking it when I was pregnant with my second child and after I did I felt really good. I missed it sometimes. The smell mostly. But my gut was sure happy without it!
Anywho I digress. I am on the Oilpulling bandwagon!
Are you doing it too?