Finding myself one step at a time!

Every day I take one baby step to finding my sanity. Which turned into self-love... But now I'm leaning towards finding myself! 

During my life coach session today I became aware of the fact the I can not stand neediness. It of course stems from my childhood and feeling like my needs were not met. So I learned to deal. On my own. What you hate in others is a mirror image of what you hate in yourself! Hate might be a strong word but this is truth! I struggled with that realization at first! But after a few months I am becoming more aware if this truth and moving forward towards growth! Becoming more aware of how I word things, place blame & deny. Needing, asking, wanting are all feelings I struggle with. I shut down. I have a hard time feeling vulnerable and asking for help! So admiting that these qualities in others bug the shit out of me is a huge step in finding myself! 

I'm very grateful for this moment! This truth! 

Finished Project

Not my Self Love Project but my Baby Blanket project!

I knitted a blanket for my oldest! So I wanted to do the same for my second. So while I was pregnant I went out and bought the yarn and picked the pattern and started... Just before he was born I noticed I dropped a stitch a few rows back. Being pregnant and hormonal I was very upset with myself so I put the blanket away and that was that!

It haunted me! Every time I opened my closet I felt like a failure! Extreme? Maybe but that was supposed to be for my new baby who was rapidly growing into a toddler.

A friend of my knits. Every time I would be at her house she was on the next item! So I was inspired to finish my project! Let go of my negative hold I had created and move forward!

Yesterday I took a day off and finished it! I am so happy with myself! I hardly finish things I start! I left fear and doubt take over with everything! So this was a big step for me! Even if it seems small to others!

My oldest wants a new blanket so we are going to go shopping together! His baby blanket is falling apart already! He got it stuck on something and it torn! I have a half knitted second blanket already started! But I think he wants a different colour. He was also never big on blankets or comfort items. Jaden is different! If Jesse or Woody or his monkey or Spiderman blanket (which was Ethan's lol) are not in bed with him he losses his mind! So I know this will be a great gift!

I'm happy I completed another one! And this may be the last "Baby" blanket I knit but not the last blanket!

Better Life, Better Me

This morning I took my 6 year old to school. Another mom asked me how I was doing. I smiled and said I was doing good. She saw right through that. She said she could see I'm in a funk and I need to doing something fun!

Do something fun? I already do. But I'm not doing anything that truly excites me anymore.

I want to better myself. Over the past 9 years of my relationship with my now husband I have had 5 jobs. 3 of which were with the same company. All of which were better pay than the last. I went through 2 pregnancies. Bought a new car. Bought a home. Started a business. Lost friends and made friends. And I will continue to look for a better paying job that will allow me to take care of my family. Connect with people who are in line with my inner guide! And continue to listen to my heart.

But that's just me. I am starting to feel like the man of the house. I hate to say this and I shouldn't have to! But when we take away the jokes and the love all that is uncovered is the same old bull shit that I keep trying to ignore!

I am unhappy! I should be the one working harder to provide. I should feel like part of a team! and I don't!

So my next step is to continue to better myself. Find opportunities that will open up more options to pay my debt and have a financially stress free life!

So step one! Get back on track with my goal to use Passion Party income to add to my Student Loan Payment.

My initial goal was to use my bonus cheques only. Allowing me to use what I make at the parties for our family & my business needs. But a few other things came up that I knew about but didn't properly plan for. I want to get back on track. This month I had to get supplies for my business after booking 11 parties so I used my first party earnings to do so. I needed new tires and used my last party to help cushion our account. I have one more party this month which should push my monthly sales to the first bonus level and I can use my party earnings for my vacation to Vancouver! Not to mention my BC party I booked!!! So excited! So very grateful!

I'm also needing space to think. I have a lot to forgive for my own peace of mind and I need time to do so! I need room to breath. I am looking forward to the ocean air, meditation time and home made wine! I want to take my boys to the beach and to a park and enjoy every second of it!

Change is coming! And I have faith that it will be for the better! It always has been for me! My life has always gotten better and every situation allowed me to learn and grow into a better person!

I accept this time in my life as a lesson and I am ready for the next!

For a better life, and a better me!

Self-Love Project Day 4 & 5

The past two days I've had to really look inside and be honest with myself! Lets just say the flood gates have opened & I've been doing a lot of crying! I haven't cried a lot in a while! I've learned to shut that emotion off. I just go and hide and will not address what I got hurt from. It really has gotten easier to just twirl around it! 

So after a very emotional session with Leisa yesterday I came home, put a load of laundry in & trimmed the hedge in my front yard. Then I asked a neighbor to help me with my hornet problem! (See parking post for before hedge shot)

These two items have been on my to do list for a long time! I'm happy they are taken care of! I was able to take out some frustrations on a bush! Lol

Today is day 5. You know how flipping hard it is to find something to do for your self-love project every day when you are not used to it? And keeping it different? 

So today I picked Insanity! My mom is currently working nights so asking her to watch the boys while I go to the gym was out of the question. I warmed up prior to my warm up by searching for the damn remote... And then I picked Pure Cardio of all the video to jump into! Go hard or go home right? Wait I am home. Anyway, I did it! And I died a little doing it! But I feel better. Not as good as punching a heavy bag would feel right about now but good enough! 

Dripping sweat sexy! Hahaha

Time to attempt school night schedule prep day number two.... That is a challenge all on its own!

Self-Love Project Day 3

Today was a nice day! Sundays are my Saturdays. My only day to sleep in. If you count being woken up at 7:15am sleeping in. 😕 It's normally around 8am! It's my family day. My veg day. My day I try and plan outdoor things with the boys! 

This morning was an early rise after a late night. My Mother-in-Law & her boyfriend had a 7am flight back home so they left at 5am. I stayed up late (for me) to say goodbye. My kids were up past 10pm as well! After a busy day I thought they would sleep in! Ha! Right. Wishful thinking. But our morning was nice! Coffee, cereal, cartoons & candy crush! I was starting to get myself ready for Passion Parties Nation Wide Booking Blitz. Their Goal: 5000! Mine: 20! Which is more of an entire fall goal! Last year I did my own August booking blitz & booked 8 parties in one day! Success? Yes! Today I'm currently at 9 booked (3 to pick a date), 5 maybes & 1 consultant wanting to join in September! My oldest played with friends, my youngest had a 3 hour nap which aloud me to work in my office & follow up with emails! I'm pretty sure I contacted over 100 people today! I could have sent more but it was time to do something for me! Of course booking parties was a part of it but my self-love project isn't about work! It's about spending even just a few minutes with myself & my thoughts!

I sat at the table, watched Ethan make a craft & I knitted! I only picked up my phone to reply to those who took a moment to reply to me! 

My night hasn't ended yet but today was full of Love & Gratitude! My husband cooked (BBQ), my children are playing and there is not a care in the world! 

Today was a great Sunday! I hope you had one too! 

Finding My Self-Love Project Day 2

Day two of my Self Love Project complete! 

Saturdays are my Fridays! I work at my day job & usually have a Passion Party booked at night! I get off work with just enough time to get my kit, maybe eat something & head back out the door again! This leaves Zero time for ME... Or spending quality time with my boys! 

However today with the family out doing their own thing I was able to put aside a few minutes to do something for me that I rarely do! 

Paint my nails! ❤❤❤

Finding My Sanity, Scratch that, Self-Love. Taking Care of Me Project!

Finding My Sanity Self-Love. Taking Care of Me Project!

This is an ongoing project! I guess simply put... LIFE!

But for a while I have felt lost! Just going about my day in a daze. No really fire to push for my dreams, always complaining and just feeling unhappy!

So here I go again. Trying to get back on the Finding Me bandwagon! My life coach sessions have been amazing! Reading "May Cause Miracles" was an eye opener for my new perceptions! But I still have a lot of work to do to break old habits! I learned over the past two weeks that it's very hard to not let your Ego take over during a hormonal shift! Yikes! If this was a Tank Girl Comic I'm sure my poor husband feels like this:

Thanks Google Search

Anywho I digress. Back to my Sanity Self-Love, Taking Card of Me Project!

So It's sort of going to be like a 40 Day guide but I'm going to blog about the little things I am doing for ME! Even if it's as minor as putting on my favorite song and spending 3.5minutes day dreaming!

A very wise woman today gave me a tip! I was saying how I barely take time to even wash my own face a night before bed! This is how little I care for myself! That's how little I see my "self-worth" as. She suggested that the first thing I should do when I get home is do just that. Wash my face! She said she started doing this after work and it gave her a bit of a new found energy for the evening and she didn't feel so blah! O.M.G! Can you hear the Angels singing! What a (pardon the language) fucking MARVELOUS idea!!!

Day #1 of my Sanity Self-Love, Taking Card of Me Project!

           

                  Wash My Face! 

What have you done for YOU today?

Much Love!
Erin