I am an Independent Beachbody Coach, an Independent Epircure Rep, accounting clerk, Mother and Wife! Full time job 24/7, I am learning to grow, share & love my way through life! Care to join me?

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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A reflection on 2011

The more I think about this past year the more I realize how amazing it actually was! I can not let the few bad circumstances ruin one of the most beautiful experiences of my life! I will not dwell on the pain I felt when Dave had his stroke. No I am going to reflect on the amazing Miracles of 2011!

The birth of our second son!
The fact that I... ME... had a home birth!
I was able to continue my business after having Jaden!
Ethan's transition to Kindergarten!
My growth to better my body!
Dave's amazing story of survival!
The love my husband and I share!

That is 2011! Miracles!

The beginning of the year started like any other. Setting a New Years Resolution which now today I'm not 100% sure I can remember what it was. I think it was along the lines of "Believing in myself" which is still a work in progress. I can say that I have grown this year! I have taken a step closer to this goal!

We then started preparing for the birth of our son Jaden! I had planned for a home water birth! Steve was not 100% behind me on this. I had a lot of negative feedback. But I felt in my heart that this was what the baby and I needed! It was as if he was telling me to do it. I had this unexplainable pull towards the water. Maybe being an Aquarius had something to do with it? Or I'm just crazy LOL

My home water birth was a blissful success! Everything went as planned! If planning can ever actually happen with birth! Our baby was beautiful and healthy! Pure perfection! This new life was not as hard as I was expecting! Two kids! This is easy!

I continued to work my Passion Party business! I even worked a party 4 days after giving birth! No one can give me any excuse other then they just don't want to when it comes to joining my team or following through with their own business! If I can do it! Anyone can do it! It's all yet another perception about their own belief of themselves and their ability! I set my goals at $500 a month and only fell short in November! Amazing! I am very proud of myself! Tackling my office and organizing for taxes will be another story tho!

My oldest son started Kindergarten this year too! I had a pregnant meltdown at the beginning of the year because I didn't want our son to go to school in the area where we live. I couldn't get him into the school I at the time believed to be better and fell apart! Thankfully I have a very wise husband to bring me back to reality. The reality was that the school a block away from us is amazing and it's not the school that makes the kids... it's us! Helping him after school to solidify what he learned that day! Spending the time helping him learn to read, understand time lines, letters, numbers and writing! And he is doing spectacular! He's very artistic as well! I am on proud mom!

This year I also wanted to work on myself! I want to look in the mirror and smile! I want to be able to put on an outfit and feel confident! There were a few times we'd go to the mall after Jaden was born and I would leave stores in tears because I didn't like how everything was fitting. I felt fat. I hated the people who had children and didn't even show it right after. I was pissed of at the media world and actors who can afford those personal trainers so they were a size 0 after. I needed to take a step back and stop that thinking. I had to remember that I was never "skinny". I was never a size 0... No! I'm a size 8! I have muscles. I needed to remember that I was a very fit person and I had to give myself time! It's true when they say it takes 9 months to put on the weight and 9 months to take it off! My son is almost 9 months old and I weigh less then I did when I started! I joined the gym, changed my diet and started believing in my ability to look good! I can now look in the mirror and smile! I still want to tone and I still need to slim down in my mid section but I now know I can do it! 2012 is going to challenging with going back to work and finding the time to go to the gym but I will do it!

There were some pretty stressful times through out the year with my second family. My husbands band. I roll my eyes at so much and bit my tongue. But none of that compared to the phone call I got November 2nd at 3am. At that moment life changed for a lot of people. Steve's Guitar Player Dave had a Blood Clot Stroke. We were told he would die. We prepared for death. We cried for days. I still cry. There was and still is a lot of anger and frustration to why him. But 2011 brought me my second miracle! He is still here and working hard every day at recovering! He is truly a miracle! Of course so much has changed for Dave and the band. We do not know what the future holds. That will be up to Dave. But we are all so thankful he pulled through and stand behind him every step of the way! The band will have some challenges in 2012 but with every change they have every had came something great! And we are all still praying that Dave can return!

And lastly! My marriage! I have had a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions this year! Hormones are an interesting thing. My poor husband had to deal with my bullshit, my doubts, my worries, my fears, my sadness. And he did great! Over Christmas I realized that all of it was dumb and possibly something I allowed others to make me think. Allowing what others would say to stir the pot a little and make me believe things that really aren't true! I have a simple marriage! It doesn't take much for us to be happy with each other! We don't depend on a lot. We don't have crazy expectations. Other then my obsession with cleaning. We don't need to purchase crazy expensive gifts or state on social media our undying love for each other! I don't expect him to be home at any hour when I know he's working day or night! We drive each other crazy! We are not perfect! But our love for each other is pure! We have our life together and our life apart! He has his band and I have Passion Parties! In the end we both agreed. All we need is each other! And a night out alone more then we have had.

I am very thankful for 2011! Thankful for my husband, our two boys and our friends and family that stand by us! I'm thankful I have a job to go back to next year. For my car that will get me where I need to be and for my home that keeps my family safe and warm. We are truly blessed, Steve and I!

My life is a blessing! Miracles all around!

Happy New Year Everyone! Here's to a great 2012! Full of more Miracles and Blessings!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Perception of Happiness

Happiness...


What is Happiness?


Dictionary.com says that Happiness is "the quality or state of being happy


Well of course it is. But how is happiness achieved? 


For the longest time I always looked at my life as if something was missing. I would think "Oh if only I had "this" things will be better" or "THAT will make me happy"... 


But the reality was I was miserable because I allowed myself to be. I wasn't Thankful for all that I had. 


I remember sitting down one night talking to hubby about this. Asking why I was always looking for this so called magic item that would fix whatever I had in my head that was broken. Why did I always look at other peoples lives and wish I had it that way or wish I did whatever differently. It wasn't until I took a good long hard look at my life that I realized how happy I truly was and still am. I realized that people were probably doing the same thing with my life.


I had everything I had wished for:


Career, Home, Car, Family, Freedom! All achieved by ME! 


No I didn't get that Masters Degree or travelled the world. I worked my way up with a Diploma, got pregnant, then married the man I love and life goes on! 


Happiness is truly a perception. 


If you believe things are great that's what you will see. If you believe you are not happy then all you will see are things that will make you unhappy. 


I would constantly complain about what my husband wasn't doing that would piss me right off when really he does so much to make sure we have everything we need. He respects me, he loves me and he is a hard working man! Why am I so obsessed with the dishes? My perception changed when my dad stayed here for a few months! WOW that was an eye opener for me. 

I would also look into other peoples lives and see what they allowed me to see and would be thankful that wasn't my life. I would sometimes also allow others to alter my perception of my own happiness. This is not cool! I should never let others affect me that way. I also realized this over Christmas! 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you look at your life and think you are not where you want to be then you have to do something about it! You can NOT depend on others to give you what you want or think people or things will make you happy if you do not believe in happiness yourself. 

Only you can make the change you want to see in the world ... in your life! 

I can't say 2011 was a shitty year because it wasn't. It was amazing! And that is my perception of my happiness! 

My life is amazing because I allow it to be! And I also have to be thankful for my family! Because I allow them to bring joy into my life! With a single kiss, hug and smile! 

I hope you can change your perception! 



Monday, December 19, 2011

Why do I always do this?

Three weeks ago I posted about my to do list and getting me back! The only thing I managed to do in the past three weeks is put the tree up with the help of the family! I did clean my kitchen tonight tho! But my main big to do's have not been touched. Sigh.

I have TWO DAYS left to get my basement organized and that damn pile of toys sorted before my Mother in Law comes.

Now here's the best part! I don't have to do it! She is absolutely the best MIL I know! She wouldn't care one bit if the place was a disaster because she is coming to see her newest grandson! And of course with her being here I would have more free hands to get what I want done done! i.e office - tax prep!

But that's not the point. I want her to come to a nice clean place!

I will get those toys taken care of tomorrow! No more excuses. No more naps! I might not even go to the gym...

Want to know a secret... I've been slacking on my burpies as well! :S Bloody fail!

O.K maybe if I go to the gym tomorrow I'll come home with more energy to get this shit done?!

Again, leaving it all to the last minute! I thought I would be better at this by now? Late 20's and still can't get my shit together! Organizing that is. Heavy Sigh!

How do woman do it? How do they manage to stay on top of it all? I so give myself an "F" in this stay at home position I'm in for the next... fuck 3 months. *slight panic. As much as I want to go back to work part of me doesn't*

Anyway I'm wired right now. Might be from the little bit of coffee I had this afternoon! So I think I'm going to make use of it and get my ass off the computer! With both kids sleeping this has been my one chance to write!

Wish me luck! LOL

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Why I'm not meant to be a SAHM

For years. OK 5. I always thought I wanted to be at home to raise my son! I would envy my girlfriends who were able to afford to do so because their husbands made enough to support the family! It was harder on the days at work when you wanted to kill someone. I would think to myself how much less stress my life would be if I could just be a Stay At Home Mom! I would be happier and I wouldn't miss anything when it came to my children growing up! I was planning and wishing that by the time we had our second child I wouldn't have to go back to work! However once we were expecting the numbers were just not there! I would have to go back after my Mat Leave was over. I was sad.

Now because our finances are tight I did join an amazing company to supplement my income a bit with of course the idea that I would be able to quit my day job and work my business full time! I soon realized that this isn't really what I wanted either!

How did I come to the realization. Lack of drive! Now do not get me wrong. I love love love my business! I love the products and the woman and men I meet! Plus there may be a time where things change and I make the decision that it's what I wan to do full time! But for now I am happy with the pace I am working my business. Anyway back to the SAHM thing.

When my first son was born I had a little bit of the baby blues. But I was able to stay on top of cleaning and cooking from what I can remember. A lot of it is a haze in my memory as I was so tired most of the time but I still had it in my mind that this is what I wanted! I even thought about opening up a day home to supplement even more!

Now while I was preparing for Mr. #2 I would talk about how I still wish I could be a stay at home! I would envision waking up making coffee and breakfast, get a load of laundry started, get my oldest off to school, pencil in a few play dates, get dinner started, get the kids ready for bed and voila! My dream day! So I thought...

Here is my reality! Which my husband new all along! Yes hunny YOU WERE RIGHT!!!!

The day comes and our beautiful baby boy is born! We have a wonderful spring and summer together with big brother! I settle in better this time with a new baby then before! I mentally prepared myself for little sleep and a busy day. I was thankful however that we waited as long as we did because I could go for a nap and leave our oldest with a movie and some snacks and not worry about him! He would often come in and tell me what he was doing tho! lol

My baby is a really good baby. He may no longer sleep very well but he's happy and such a joy to be around! I love him! I also love that we get some one on one time while his brother in at school! The think is tho I don't have as much energy as I wish and time. My gawd where does the time go? I seem to run out of time in the morning and then it's noon and I can kiss any social life goodbye because by the time I deal with traffic I'd be late to pick up Ethan from school! And then it's time to cook dinner which I don't always want to do because I'm so sleep deprived I just want to cry. My house is a mess, I hate doing laundry and I feel like I have to vacuum twice a day and wash the dishes 4 times a day. WTH? I am not happy being home all the time! I miss my friends and I feel bad that I don't go and see them as much as I promised.

Jaden is now getting to the very active stage which comes with the more awake stage. I can no longer count on him being up for two hours and sleep for an hour with a two hour nap in the afternoon. Now I'm not sure what he's doing. He really just wants to move around and chase after his brother and play with cars! He makes me laugh and smile and I love watching him grow and learn! BUT I want more me time! I have embraced the gym but I've lost my momentum. My dream is to run away, rent a hotel room for a week and sleep! That's it!

The other thing is even if there were days I hated it... I miss my job. I love going back there to visit and hearing everyone say they miss me and asking when I'm coming back! There it is... That feeling of being someone! That idea of success I grew up wanting. The feeling of being important! Not that being a mother isn't that. It is but it's different. Going to work was my break from life. From the 24/7 of diapers, puke, food, slobber, tears, no shower days, fights, laundry, cooking and cleaning. It never ends. I sit down after cleaning and it's a mess. I don't know how they do it but they do.

I need an assistant just to get through the day! I think I was more organized and on top of everything when I worked full time! I was able to work my business, make dinner and keep this place "tidy" after work! I would get my girlfriend fill when I would pick up my son and then head home! Work would be stressful at times but at least I was able to come home and take my mind off things. Sometimes. There were those 3am wake up thoughts where I would sit straight up in bed and go "Fuck, I forgot this". And going to work would be my getaway from my family. I had people to share my joys with and hear about other peoples life!

I'm scared to go back to work and I do not want to go back any sooner then I have to but I miss it! I miss the people, the tasks and of course the money!

Hats off to all you ladies (and some men) who stay at home and get full fulfilment out of it! A part of me will always envy you but I now know that it is not meant for me! I was mean to work! I'm a better person when I can get away!


Monday, December 5, 2011

Getting ME back

This past month I have lost myself. Lost sight of my goals, my ability to be positive, my drive to save money, my will to keep on top of the house, and of course the ability to show any love and affection towards my husband. Especially when he needed it the most!

I want to get back on track!

Of course we have been through a lot this past month. Dealing with more then a few scenarios we didn't want or even expected. But the reality is it's life! And there will be more scenarios that will put us in the drivers seat to either take control or lose it.

My first step to getting me back on track is tackling this house! Cleaning and organizing so I can stay on top of it easier after and get back to the gym!

My MIL comes in three weeks! Christmas is in three weeks! Ethan is done school in three weeks! I ONLY HAVE THREE WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here I sit again. Making a To Do list I plan on completing! Praying it doesn't end up like all the others... incomplete! I'm the kind of person that starts things and hardly ever finishes them. Either from lack of interest or self-confidence! Sometimes time gets in the way! I was a lot better when I was working full time! Strange?

To Do:
Organize closets
Organize/sort toys
De-clutter upstairs and put the Tree up
Organize Office
Baby Proof the things I haven't figured out yet
Stay on top of laundry
Stay on top of cleaning

Most of my lists are short but the amount of time that I have to put into each item is a lot. I think I can accomplish this in 3 weeks with no social life or bribing a friend to come hang out! However my baby is sick so I don't see that happening in the next week!

I can get a start on laundry tonight and finish it tomorrow! Then I wont have to do it again for another two weeks!
Wed I can have Ethan help me finish with the toys after his half day before swimming.
And maybe tonight I can finish the upstairs as I've already started!

What's on your Holiday To Do List?


Thursday, December 1, 2011

What about MY wish list?

In honour of the time of year and my son constantly giving me his wish list I thought I would blog about mine! 
I think I deserve to ask for things too. I put up with a lot. I deserve to be spoiled! 
Of course I would love a new diamond ring or an iPad but most of my wants match my needs. They are practical! 


Are you ready? Here are my Top 5!

5: Pampered Chef Stone ware! 
Feel free to shop HERE for me! Or for you! Sarah's my cousin! Buy from her! 


4: A Make-Over and a FULL Nights Sleep
I would like to spend a day at a spa, have someone change my hair and even come in and give me a new wardrobe! I think this is on every breast feeding mothers wish list! I love being exclusive however I am getting tired and warn down. I still do not feel like I'm getting the help and support I need but I guess that is something I will just have to learn to deal with. Until then I will continue to day dream about running away and sleeping with no distractions!

3: A Camera... I professional one! 
I have always wanted to learn how to take photos. It's the same kind of longing I have for painting. I think it's the creative side of me trying to come out! I'm an Aquarius! But fear of failure keeps me from trying. So here it is. My $1000 dream camera but I would settle for the $600 one at Wal-Mart for now LOL 



2: New Flooring in my House
Right now we have maroon carpet in the living rooms and bedrooms, crappy laminate in one bathroom and kitchen, ugly lino on the stair and in the hallway downstairs and chipped tile in the bathroom downstairs...

This is more like it! 

And My Top Top Want on My Wish List...

1: A Brand New Toyota Highlander!!!!!!!
With two kids now we need more space then my little Yaris has. I would realistically be able to get one in 2013! That's my goal! Unless Santa wants to be super nice to me this year! Please! 

So there you have it! My shortened wish list! I could add a new couches, mop, jewellery, iPad 2, a kidless vacation, maid, chef, deep freeze, gift cards to iTunes and Wal-Mart and Superstore. New bedding and towels! Oh and a blender... need to get me one of those again and so much more! But for now this is all! These are my top 5! 

What is on your Top 5 Wish List this year?

On a side note the one thing I am actually praying for every day to put life in perspective... A Miracle for Dave. Thank you for your support for the Steve McQueen Band and their guitar player Dave on his recovery! Keep praying! We love you!