Why I'm not meant to be a SAHM

For years. OK 5. I always thought I wanted to be at home to raise my son! I would envy my girlfriends who were able to afford to do so because their husbands made enough to support the family! It was harder on the days at work when you wanted to kill someone. I would think to myself how much less stress my life would be if I could just be a Stay At Home Mom! I would be happier and I wouldn't miss anything when it came to my children growing up! I was planning and wishing that by the time we had our second child I wouldn't have to go back to work! However once we were expecting the numbers were just not there! I would have to go back after my Mat Leave was over. I was sad.

Now because our finances are tight I did join an amazing company to supplement my income a bit with of course the idea that I would be able to quit my day job and work my business full time! I soon realized that this isn't really what I wanted either!

How did I come to the realization. Lack of drive! Now do not get me wrong. I love love love my business! I love the products and the woman and men I meet! Plus there may be a time where things change and I make the decision that it's what I wan to do full time! But for now I am happy with the pace I am working my business. Anyway back to the SAHM thing.

When my first son was born I had a little bit of the baby blues. But I was able to stay on top of cleaning and cooking from what I can remember. A lot of it is a haze in my memory as I was so tired most of the time but I still had it in my mind that this is what I wanted! I even thought about opening up a day home to supplement even more!

Now while I was preparing for Mr. #2 I would talk about how I still wish I could be a stay at home! I would envision waking up making coffee and breakfast, get a load of laundry started, get my oldest off to school, pencil in a few play dates, get dinner started, get the kids ready for bed and voila! My dream day! So I thought...

Here is my reality! Which my husband new all along! Yes hunny YOU WERE RIGHT!!!!

The day comes and our beautiful baby boy is born! We have a wonderful spring and summer together with big brother! I settle in better this time with a new baby then before! I mentally prepared myself for little sleep and a busy day. I was thankful however that we waited as long as we did because I could go for a nap and leave our oldest with a movie and some snacks and not worry about him! He would often come in and tell me what he was doing tho! lol

My baby is a really good baby. He may no longer sleep very well but he's happy and such a joy to be around! I love him! I also love that we get some one on one time while his brother in at school! The think is tho I don't have as much energy as I wish and time. My gawd where does the time go? I seem to run out of time in the morning and then it's noon and I can kiss any social life goodbye because by the time I deal with traffic I'd be late to pick up Ethan from school! And then it's time to cook dinner which I don't always want to do because I'm so sleep deprived I just want to cry. My house is a mess, I hate doing laundry and I feel like I have to vacuum twice a day and wash the dishes 4 times a day. WTH? I am not happy being home all the time! I miss my friends and I feel bad that I don't go and see them as much as I promised.

Jaden is now getting to the very active stage which comes with the more awake stage. I can no longer count on him being up for two hours and sleep for an hour with a two hour nap in the afternoon. Now I'm not sure what he's doing. He really just wants to move around and chase after his brother and play with cars! He makes me laugh and smile and I love watching him grow and learn! BUT I want more me time! I have embraced the gym but I've lost my momentum. My dream is to run away, rent a hotel room for a week and sleep! That's it!

The other thing is even if there were days I hated it... I miss my job. I love going back there to visit and hearing everyone say they miss me and asking when I'm coming back! There it is... That feeling of being someone! That idea of success I grew up wanting. The feeling of being important! Not that being a mother isn't that. It is but it's different. Going to work was my break from life. From the 24/7 of diapers, puke, food, slobber, tears, no shower days, fights, laundry, cooking and cleaning. It never ends. I sit down after cleaning and it's a mess. I don't know how they do it but they do.

I need an assistant just to get through the day! I think I was more organized and on top of everything when I worked full time! I was able to work my business, make dinner and keep this place "tidy" after work! I would get my girlfriend fill when I would pick up my son and then head home! Work would be stressful at times but at least I was able to come home and take my mind off things. Sometimes. There were those 3am wake up thoughts where I would sit straight up in bed and go "Fuck, I forgot this". And going to work would be my getaway from my family. I had people to share my joys with and hear about other peoples life!

I'm scared to go back to work and I do not want to go back any sooner then I have to but I miss it! I miss the people, the tasks and of course the money!

Hats off to all you ladies (and some men) who stay at home and get full fulfilment out of it! A part of me will always envy you but I now know that it is not meant for me! I was mean to work! I'm a better person when I can get away!