Becoming Aware of My Self Sabotage Ways

Two days out of my week I am alone in my office at work. Aside from being a Passion Consultant I work in a Hotel in their accounting department. During those two days alone I started listening to Hay House Radio! At first it was because I found out that Gabby Bernstein had a show on Wednesdays. Over time I became a huge fan of everyone! Being a Mother I have learned to tune out a lot of outside noise around me. Including the radio. BUT once in a while I will catch something that draws me back into what they are talking about and usually kick myself for not paying more attention.

Yesterday a lady called in and asked why she didn't have more people around her. I became aware of her questions because I too have asked that question to myself. But I have always told myself it's because I created a busy life that never allowed people in. That started in high school. I have felt alone my entire life. And the people I feel the closest too live in other places. I remember asking people in school why I was never invited to any parties and they told me it was because I lived far away and they always thought I was busy. I once was invited to a party from someone outside of my school and ran into "friends" there! They actually looked shocked that I was there.

Anyway I digress. No need to go into a pity party here. I create my own reality. I am know this. I know a lot of people! A LOT! But if I was to look around and count my tribe it would be next to nothing.  But here is what the host said yesterday and hit me smack in the face:

"It's because you have a Passive Social Attitude! You have the idea that people should come to you and not the other way!"

WOW!

I know in the past when I put myself on the line I got hurt bad. So now I just don't even try. I long for a friendship. A movie kind of friendship. The kind where they do everything together. When I was at a friends wedding in BC and seen she had this type of relationship I was so jealous. That used to be us. And then I moved. And moved again. And what if I choose to move to Vancouver instead of Calgary. Would that have been me up there with her? I love her so much and I love that even after weeks or months we can text each other as if there was no distance at all. But I want more. And because of the kind of life I have created I created a belief that "She" should come to me. Because I rarely experience that. I am very passive. And guarded. Even with those who I know will read this and go WTF Erin... I'm right here! But.... I'm scared.

I don't mind going to people. But it is sooooo much easier if they come to me. But I think that's why I don't see a lot of people. Because most of who I know now all have children around the same age and it's the same for them. It's easier if someone goes to them!

So my goal is to allow myself to go out more. To say yes to invitations. Or even ASK. I have a date this Friday with a friend! We booked it in because we both have busy lives and I love it! So excited! And I said yes to another invitation next month! I went to someone's house this month and it was super cool! Connecting with woman on a personal level! Love Love Love!!!!

I really hope my new adventures bring in some very cool new people into my life!

I'm learning to not dwell on this woe. I'm learning to be grateful for what I have. And I have made the choices in my life to focus on my family right now! I am fully aware of that. And I am still focusing on that. I want to give my boys so much love and I am working on my relationship with myself and my husband. That is HUGE! I know that once I fully find ME that my tribe will begin to grow! And I will be more open to it! FEARLESS! Baby steps!

Another AH HA moment was today.

I always say "I don't know what I want"

Woman are taught to prioritize others needs before their own! And I do this... ALL THE TIME! Even now still. Yes I have made HUGE changes in my life over the past two months. Donated/ing blood, Volunteering, Signing up for Kundalini Yoga and even going to someone's house that isn't work related! But I still talking about not "Knowing"

I have been asking for guidance from out there and they keep telling me to TRUST! I know I want to hear this big booming voice with an answer and I was told I am a "Master of All" but that doesn't give me the final answer to what my WANT or GIFT or TRUE DESIRE is. But I'm just told something is on it's way and to trust.

So I am becoming aware of this comment "I don't know what I want"

When I visualize I see myself helping woman and being in a bright office with windows.

AND I am already doing this. I help woman ALL THE TIME. I started volunteering at a Woman's Center. And I help woman with Passion Parties. WHAT DO I FEEL LIKE I AM MISSING SOMETHING?

So for the rest of 2013 I want to stop Sabotaging myself. Becoming aware of every Sabotaging ways. Making notes and making the changes. And counting my blessings! Bringing in the Attitude of Gratitude!

I have already started posing "Cool Things In My Life" to keep that attitude going. I would love to see this hashtag all over #coolthingsinmylife

Today the #coolthingsinmylife is me becoming aware! Learning something new and just being able to see that things are happening! That I have to TRUST in the process and yes count my blessings!