Books

I'm not a reader. Never could finish a book. Still can't. Well that's not 100% true but it's extremely rare for me to. But I love books. I'm oddly attracted to them. I love going into a book store and walking around. I love the atmosphere, the smell, the calmness. I can see all stories playing around in the air. I love looking at the covers, reading the titles & the discriptions!

I fantasize about being more creative, more artistic! Looking at the journals to fill with stories, the type of paintings I could create or picture ideas, the kind of book I could write. Redesigning my house & yard. Dreaming about sitting on a beach somewhere reading a fiction or a romance. Getting so deep into a story I start to believe it's me and forget about reality and responsibility! 

I love the idea of books! I start to read something & my mind starts to wonder. I have to really focus sometimes to read. It's hard to turn off my mind. There's been only a handful of stories and I was able to fully focus. Harry Potter, The Scandalous Summer of Sissy Leblanc, Narnia, Infinite Possibilities, Twilight and of course Shades of Grey. I guess I think I much... What are some of your favorite books or authors? 

Powerful Dreams of Change!

Last night I had the strangest dream. Do you ever wake up knowing the meanings? Or do you tried and research out what it could have meant?

My dream last night started off with me going to do a delivery for a customer. I ended up at an apartment complex. Inside the hallways had no doors. I came across another customer and realized I had confused her with another and she pointed me in the right direction of my delivery. I found my way to a dark area, turned on the lights to find 6 elevators with metal gates. There was a guy in one with amazing blue eyes that looked like one of the actors from Shameless. I entered the elevator and it took me up over the property. More people appeared. I found myself walking into this bar where this overweight, unattractive woman was passing out drunk and hanging out with this man who was saying he was her boyfriend but clearly was not. I managed to drag her out of the bar, found her jacket and woke her up enough to run! We ran towards this alley way and passed two woman who started bullying us. I was doing my best to avoid a fight and telling them that people love them and they do not have to be so mean....

Then I woke up.

I instantly knew I was the drunk woman and I was defending myself from being so evil to my own soul! You know like the movie "Inception". How the people start defending themselves from the intruder. I see myself like that woman and I'm often way to mean to myself. It's time to change that! Change that image and self talk!

I feel a bit of clarity from this. Last night I chose to listen to my heart and I feel a few walls are coming down!

Time can only tell but I know I'm heading in the right direction!

Crossroads

When you are sitting alone with your thoughts what are you thinking? What do you see? What is your dream? If not where you are today, where do you see yourself being?

These are all questions I need to start asking myself!
What is my Vision? What do I want? What am I feeling? How can I create my own Joy? Am I happy?

I have come to a crossroads within myself. I have been feeling extremely confused, lost, alone and overwhelmed. All emotions I have created. I know this! I know I am truly the only one in charge of my happiness and well being. And this affects everything around me. But because I'm now try to address these it's creating more ripples. Or more clarity?

I have asked for help! In two ways. Help working through my thoughts which I stated in my last post here and by asking those around me to help more with our daily lives.

I want to feel like I have help. I do a lot. No one can deny this. I put myself last. Always. The needs of others come first. And my biggest priority would be my children! Which to me can not be any other way! I also feel like I've been doing the same, asking the same and well getting the same results. Nothing Changes, Nothing... Changes.

Where I am is my fault. I allowed this to go on for so long. I want things to change! I need them to!

So. How do I figure out what I want and how to get there?

Today I just want to feel like I have help. Simple things. Laundry, Kitchen, Bathroom, Homework, You take one & I'll take the other!

As for my visions, wants and feelings. Well that will have to go into my TBD file... again!

My homework is to journal at least 3 days this week and look into my soul. Make my needs more clear. And look at myself in the mirror!

I'm on a flipping rollercoaster