One day at a time

So today is day one after starting the iron supplements. I'm sure some people think it's nothing but it's big for me. I'm tired of feeling so tired. I have often felt like I was stuck in a whole I couldn't climb out of. Each time I try and get out the dirt keeps washing over me. I felt like I was close to getting out earlier this year. I had so much hope and ambition. New job, new yoga practice, new routines, taking courses, and planning a future of events. And like my last post. I just stopped. I got more tired. And just stopped. I've actually been worried about depression but deep down I knew that wasn't it. It had to be just life. Just busy.  

It's Friday and I'm already ready for bed. I was tired all day. I don't want to disappoint my husband again by going to bed so early. I feel horrible. But it's all I want to do. I told him last night I felt like I was having an affair with our bed. 

One day at a time. It hasn't even been 24 hours. 

Have I mentioned how impatient I can be? 

I stopped

I stopped meditating

I stopped taking time most evenings to wash my face

I stopped reading

I stopped consistently eating healthy

I stopped running

I stopped yoga 

I stopped drinking more water

I stopped caring

I stopped trying

I stopped wanting 

So I finally went to see my doctor and found out my iron is extremely low. 

So hopefully once I start taking this iron supplement I can start feeling ambitious again. Work on my deserve level and belief system again. Hit my pillow and sit for a few minutes in the morning and at night. I've been eating to get up in the morning to medite and exercise for so long. But I habitually hit the snooze button for 30 to 60 minutes... Depending on if I need a shower. I can't stay up late either. I try drinking coffee after noon just to make an attempt and sometimes it works but other times I'm just so overtired I'm drained yet wide awake. I remember having so much energy one night even I was amazed with myself! But I was doing everything listed above. 

I quit things easily. I tell myself I'm not good enough for almost everything. This life to those friends. I'm my own worst enemy and I want to be my best friend. Then I can at least say I have one. Bit right now I can't even say that. I stopped being friends with people. And in not even sure why. 

So here is to the first day of my entire life! Dear iron supplements... Do your shit! I need you more than ever! 

Say goodbye to baby stuff

Well it's official. All of the baby stuff is gone. Minus maybe the odd toy or misc item lost in the chaos of our basement. I know I'm done having children. Maybe. Ok so I'm not 100% sure but I know having another child right now would not be smart. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. The financially strapped, diaper changing, sleepless night tunnel! 

So why am I so blood sad? All I did last night was cry. All I wanted to do today was cry. All I want to do right now is cry. 

It's gone. But it's not like if we ever did happen to get pregnant again we couldn't get it all back! 

Lately I have been faced with having to let go of things and move on. But it's hard for me. I make things so bloody hard. I feel extremely alone yet I don't even want to reach out. Even right now I want to desperately sob in my husbands arms yet I'm not reaching out. I'm holding it in. Waiting for my next shower to let it all out! 

Why is letting go so hard when you really want to look forward to the future? I am so excited to spend every moment possible enjoying the next stages of my children! Life is easier now. Less to worry about or maintain. I love how my oldest is so helpful and we can do so much more with him now. Our youngest is just starting the potty training stages so I'm stressed out about that. About how stubborn he is and how difficult he's being. But I also know it's not going to last. So I'm trying to step back & not push yet still gently encourage him. 

So I apologize for not being my usually bubbly, positive self everyone says I am and counts on. I'm going to take a few days to morn the end of the baby stage here! 😭