Stress...

I was laying in bed mentally and physically exhausted last night but could not fall asleep. I had this huge to do list on constant replay I just can not seem to start! I have no energy or drive to even try and figure out where to begin. I need help which I still dong feel like I'm getting. Having two boys doesn't help either. I need a break from my responsibilities. I fantasize about renting a hotel room with a king size bed and sleeping until I feel rested! Then heading for a day in a spa and sleeping some more!

I filled out this chart the other day. On a scale of 1 to 10 where do I feel I am...

Social Life - 1

Physical Health - 3

Mental/Spiritual Health - 3

Family Life - 7

Job - 7

Financial - 1

I can't think of the other ones or if there were any more. Overall I am stressed. I am not getting the amount of sleep I need to do everything I need to do. I don't feel like I'm getting the help I need to make sure some of this stress isn't even stress at all. I started going to the gym but as good as that is I'm still tired! I'm working on my financial situation so I'll visit that in a few months and well the rest will hopefully fall into place. I can't do anything about my sleep. I have a one year old who does not always sleep through the night. He still nurses 3 to 5 times a day. 2 if I'm lucky!
I don't have very many close friends and the ones I do consider close live far way! I don't want to go out clubbing. I'd rather do dinners or other get together. But yeah... whatever
I love my job! It's a lot better now since I've been back! It can be stressful but it's a job! It pays my bills and it gives me more then  just a 5 or 1 year old conversation! It's my break from a fucking disaster of a house...
My wonderful husband and I need to make for time for each other!

So back to this to do list. The constant clutter... When will I find the energy to de-clutter my life???

Woman of Influence

I have never had very high self confidence. Even to this day. I would always wish I was some body else. I would look at others and think how much prettier they were, or smarter, or just plain better then me! If I got into a hobby and asked a friend to join me I always started to think that I wasn't as good at it as them and would stop doing said hobby or wouldn't try very hard. I can see this feeling sneak in even with my Passion Parties business. I question how good I am at being a consultant and why others are more successful then me? I'm scared to call people to see if they are happy with their product or if they simply need more items. I'm just scared! But I'm also tired of these thoughts...

I'm told now that people envy me. They want what I have! And I have to remind myself how blessed I truly am. How pretty I am, how talented I am, how successful I am, how smart I am and that I am truly a woman of influence! Passion defines a Woman of Influence as a DIVA: Disciplined, Inspired, Vibrant and Accomplished! I am all of those in my life as a whole! I may not always have a full party calendar however I am a very busy and successful woman, mother and wife! I finished school, work a full time job, married a loving man who is an amazing father to our two boys, bought a home and run a business! I lost my baby weight and them some and I feel good! I'm now working on scheduling in more me time and a few extra parties to pay down my debt! 

I'm not really to sure who I look up to any more. I'm doing my best not to compare my life to others. It's something that really isn't worth doing. I'm trying to clear out my thoughts and my life to have some room to breath! One step at a time! I'm learning that I am in control of my life and my business and if I choose to go with the flow and not push then that's that! I do not what to have to justify anything! It's just the way it is! My family needed the break. I needed the break! And now I'm ready to ease back into it! I've been back at work for a while now and it's going very well! I am very happy there! I love working at a JOB! I do not want to be a stay at home mom! My life is good! And making it to the gym before work twice last week was a very positive accomplishment! My next goal is to schedule in deep cleaning time to organize this chaos of a house! I do have wine for those who would love to help me! 

I hope that my life inspires others to do the same! Be a true DIVA! Keep moving forward! We only have one life! If you are not happy with something then you must do something to change it! 

Back On Track

I have been talking about managing my time better and getting back on track with the gym. Finding another routine. Taking care of me! I miss the gym. I miss my classed. The downfall is the time of the classes I can take are at night. Either right after I get off work or around dinner/bed time. That is just not going to work for me or my family and business! And I'm usually dead tired. So that leaves the morning. They say you get a better bang for your buck working out in the morning. It's better for your metabolism. But I really don't know all that much. I should research some more. I would also not have to worry about the boys! Who's going to watch them or if the gym's daycare is open.

Here's the big question. Do I really want to leave my house at 4:50am to work out from 5am to 6am? AND there are no classes. Will I be able to get a good work out on my own without a personal trainer or guidance?

I will have to put my fear aside and have faith that I know what I need to do. It's not as if I have never worked out before! I can create a set of work out routines to rotate. Write them down and just do it! But the one thing I loved about going to classes was the fact that I didn't really have to think. I just did what I was told and was pushed to finish!

So now to work up the endurance to drag my sorry ass out of bed to go to the gym! My alarm is already set for 4:30! I will just have to avoid hitting the snooze for an hour and actually get up! Make everything the night before and I should be good! It would be so much easier if I had a buddy! I wonder if I could meet someone there and pair up!?

Last time I checked I was 124lbs. When I stepped on a friends scale it looked closer to 122. But I can not be for sure! And it's not a big deal for me. That number. It's really irrelevant. I want to tone my mid section and continue to build strength!

I would like to go Tuesday to Friday! 4 days a week! But I'll be happy with 3 even!

I can do this! I am worth it! I can start Tuesday June 12th - 5am!

Now to plan a routine...

Budgets... What?

I'm an accountant. I work with numbers all day. Mostly I balance journals and receivables. I am usually very organized at work and on top of everything.

Until I go home!

When I come home I feel not so organized and lost. I have a budget and a schedule and can not keep track of either. I feel like I'm drowning.

I know what I need to do. I have all the tools: Mantras, spreadsheets, jobs! But it's still not enough. It killed me when everyone cancelled on me this past month and my emotional levels were a mess to say the least. I lost touch with myself. My ability to have faith in life. In my future. In my business.

I said I was going to go back to the gym and get back on that routine. 5 days into June and I haven't had the chance!

My Passion money isn't going to my student loans as planned. I shouldn't have bought new work clothes but I needed to! It's the price of losing weight. I'm trying to play catch up! And not very well.

I need to figure this out! I need help! I need a Christian Grey to give me $24,000. That would cover a few things! lol Can I get a Mr. Christian Grey with not strings please? Bahahahaha Wishful thinking... Sigh

I know this is going to take time. Getting back on track after mat leave. That killed me financially. Now I feel like I'm dying emotionally! Lack of sleep and messed up hormones. What a mess!

Next month my student loans are going to be combined! That should give me a little bit of an edge to get them paid down faster! I am going to sit down and go over my budget yet again! Go over the past 6 months and find out what I'm spending my money on and what I can cut out! AND STICK WITH IT! Possibly get that program that will auto download my debits for me. Save me so time on data entry!

Why is it so hard? Debits and Credits! Left and Right. You either have it or you do! Gaaaaahhhhhhhhh

I can help people create and follow a budget easily! Why can I not take my own advice???

I AM A MONEY FREAKEN MAGNET!!!!