Crossroads

When you are sitting alone with your thoughts what are you thinking? What do you see? What is your dream? If not where you are today, where do you see yourself being?

These are all questions I need to start asking myself!
What is my Vision? What do I want? What am I feeling? How can I create my own Joy? Am I happy?

I have come to a crossroads within myself. I have been feeling extremely confused, lost, alone and overwhelmed. All emotions I have created. I know this! I know I am truly the only one in charge of my happiness and well being. And this affects everything around me. But because I'm now try to address these it's creating more ripples. Or more clarity?

I have asked for help! In two ways. Help working through my thoughts which I stated in my last post here and by asking those around me to help more with our daily lives.

I want to feel like I have help. I do a lot. No one can deny this. I put myself last. Always. The needs of others come first. And my biggest priority would be my children! Which to me can not be any other way! I also feel like I've been doing the same, asking the same and well getting the same results. Nothing Changes, Nothing... Changes.

Where I am is my fault. I allowed this to go on for so long. I want things to change! I need them to!

So. How do I figure out what I want and how to get there?

Today I just want to feel like I have help. Simple things. Laundry, Kitchen, Bathroom, Homework, You take one & I'll take the other!

As for my visions, wants and feelings. Well that will have to go into my TBD file... again!

My homework is to journal at least 3 days this week and look into my soul. Make my needs more clear. And look at myself in the mirror!

I'm on a flipping rollercoaster

Finding my Balance!

I decided to see a Life Coach! Again...

I used to see this one lady but she has sort of disappeared. I then learned that someone I used to work with has taken some amazing training and is now a coach! I always admired her! And I felt that she would be a great match to help me find me!

Of course my breaking point was when I finally looked inside and admitted to myself that I needed guidance for clarity! My wise mother said "Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place". I have not been doing this! I make excuses and blame others. I blame my husband mostly and that is not right! I have to change this! And I will start with me!

My New Years Resolution was to stop complaining about what my husband doesn't do! And I have failed at that until now! I loved how my life coach said that our sessions will not be a husband bashing session! That we are going to work on me! Because that is what I want!

The biggest thing I need to get over is "What we Resists, Persists!" My homework was to journal. I did. I went out and bought myself a pink book because that's all there was and a new pen! I sat in bed and attempted to tap into me and write. How I'm feeling, where I am, where in my body is out of sync. I'm feeling lost, hurt, confused, tired and lonely. I'm in limbo. Of course I know I know but I'm scared. I'm not ready to really communicate and my chest feels like a 1000lbs.

I need to breath and do it! Sit down and talk. I know I want to change the path I am going down and I know how to do it! The big question will be will he follow?

Welcome to my new journey! Will I love myself enough to keep moving forward towards the clarity I am longing for?

Me.. Remember?

Ugh. I keep falling off my being healthy and working out routine. This time is worse! I've gained 8lbs in the past year. Fluctuating between 130 and 134 depending one my work out highs.

I wince again when I look in the mirror. Yet this morning I have done nothing but cuddle with my soon to be two year old watching tree house. Last week I brought my runners to work thinking that I can start running up stairs at lunch. And then because I was taking my lieu days I. Worked. Through. Lunch. Again... Heavy sigh! I get so mad at my husband because he is able to schedule the gym in while I am busy being a parent! I can't get up at 4am and I'm usually in bed immediately after the boys around 8pm. And bath time is at 7. I tried asking my dad to help make dinner and I worked out from 4:30 to 5:30 but then swimming started and soon it will be soccer and baseball.

Ever since Vegas I have slipped into a slight depression. I keep telling myself it's because I'm emotionally exhausted. An that may be the case but its time I snap out of this habit! It's time I care about myself again! It's time I trust my ability to get it all done!

I need to remember myself! It's time I do this for me!!

Up's and Down's

After a major high or adrenaline rush comes the low.

I am feeling the low!

I am also doing my best to do what I know I should be doing. Deep breaths, changing thoughts, positive mantra's... It's a bit of a struggle!

So I start analyzing my diet, the pill, sleeping, stress area's. I have moments of peace in my mind and then I have these slight anxiety attacks. The phone rings, someone asks me to do something, another pile on my to do pile... and. I. PANIC! I honestly just want to crawl into bed and not come out for a week! As much as I long for connection with another human in a girl friends chick flick sit in bed and eat ice cream kind of way. I want to speak to no one!

I've back away a bit! I am learning not to post woe's on Facebook! I'm trying to learn to just let it come and then let it go. Blogging helps

Month end is drowning me. Nothing is balancing. I'm hitting all red lights and bad traffic! THAT hardly happens to me unless I'm falling off my positive bandwagon! I really wish I could SCREAM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok I feel a little better. I might need to yell for real in my car at a red light just to release this tension. But getting this out I'm starting to feel a slight relief.

I have to remember life has cycles! Up's and Down's. I've had a great 6 month stretch of Up's! Now I'm starting to slip back into that doubt. That I'm not good enough frame of mind. So why? Why am I allowing this to happen when I know it's not true? I've book a session with someone I've always admired to help me get back on track. I've also been contemplating getting acupunture done. Steve and I have been doing a bit of research on it for another reason and I'm thinking I just might need this!

What is the moon doing? I know it's not full...

Breath

This week I will:
take 4 days off work
finish tax prep
clean house (I might be begging for another human for a kick start support so I don't nap)
and once I'm calm I will book 2 more parties and follow up with consultant leads

Believe Erin! You are successful! You are strong! You are amazing!

One Day at a Time

I have realized this past week how strong I really am. Finally being faced with the reality of where I am right now in life and if this is truly where I want to be going. Of course my heart and my ego were not in agreement. They still aren't. I'm feeling like I'm in constant battle. I'm exhausted. I couldn't figure out why I have been so tired lately and well duh... that's why. This constant battle inside is driving me crazy. I am not ready to settle it yet however. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I'm not in my regular happy, driven mood this week and I can see it affecting my business. So I'm taking a breather! I find that taking a step back and a break from everything and everyone I can re-balance my energy and get back on track!

I receive emails from The Universe  and today it was:

There's nothing so important, Erin, that it can't be said tomorrow.

You know, if you aren't sure.

Cool jets,
    The Universe

WOW! I needed this today! This confirms that I don't have to say anything today. Or tomorrow for that matter. I do not have to make a decision just yet! As much as I want to crawl under the covers and cry until I fall asleep. I can't. First of all. It's not all that bad. I have to put it into perspective! I know so many others are going through so much more. But I'm still hurting in my own way. I still feel alone in my own way! I long to pick up the phone and have someone here from me in a second but I don't want to be a burden. So I carry on. As I always do! Strong, resilient, ambitious & driven!

This too shall pass! One day at a time

Bringing Passion to LIFE!

Passion Parties new slogan. Bringing Passion to LIFE! I go out every weekend to show woman & men & couples how to do this!

But what about me? Where is my passion? Where is my joy? Where am I?

This past week in Vegas I realized how alone I am. How only I can do things for me. How only I can make things happen for me. How I do not have the support I thought I had! How only I can be truly serious about growth and change.

So where do I go from here? Which step do I take. I feel like I'm stuck between two and three.

I want to be walking that stage celebrating the success of my team knowing that my business partner is sitting there cheering me on! Someone who helped me each step of the way to success! Even if it was just labeling my catalogues for my next party or grocery shopping for the week ahead.

I'm not accepting anything but the best. And if that's just me then I will accept while growing and changing in the process!

Growth and Change brings Passion! 2013 I will be bringing Passion to my life!

I'm just not sure how...

I have a Problem...

I have a problem. I feel like it's a big one! I also know I have the answer for it. But then again I'm not sure if I really do. There are a few options to fix it! I feel like I've tried one of the three and am currently working on number two. If number two doesn't work then I know I have to look at number three! Which scares the living shit out of me!

I'm losing my mind here! My faith! Myself! I'm tired, worn down and alone!

I'm not even sure number two is even worth the effort any more!