April Showers Bring

Not Spring Flowers!

April has proven to be a crazy, stressful, busy month!

I went back to work after my year off for maternity leave. I had to start looking for a new day home for Jaden for the fall. I tried to reach a new goal for Passion Parties and of course tried to keep my house from falling apart!

The Upside to this chaos is I'm loving being back at work!

The down side... I still have guilt! It was a very hard transition for Mr. J. It broke my heart when I went to pick him up after my first few days and you can see he'd been crying all day and hear it in his voice. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I was enjoying myself. My ego was also enjoying going back to work!

I was hearing things like "WOW, You look amazing", "O.M.G we are so happy you are back", "Great Job" and of course my favourite was when a new employee said this "You're Erin? WOW you are so young and skinny! I was expecting an older, bigger person coming back from mat leave!" Bahahaha Seriously?

So along with the guilt, I have being tired. I'm drained! I had 9 parties booked in April! 9! I held 4! My emotions were getting the best of me! Trying to juggle work, sports, dinner, cleaning, sleep and passion was taking the best of me! I'm sure Steve hates who he's living with right now! I've just been feeling like I'm doing this all myself! But really I'm not! We are both exhausted! We also all got the flu bad this month as well! That took us all for a ride! Having someone come in once a month to just clean isn't what I need. I need someone to come in once a week and tidy up too!

My mom told me not to worry so much about the shape of the house. "So what if it's messy! It's not like it's dirty and if people don't like how messy your house it then they can come for a visit and clean it for you!" LOL Thanks mom but when I walk through the door after working all day I can feel the stress on my body the minute I walk into the kitchen to get dinner ready! I can't make dinner with no clean dishes! If I cook then he can help clean! It's only fair! Everything has to be split 50/50! We both have two jobs! We both have lots of our plate! We need to team together to get this house in shape so it's not bringing me down which in turn brings the entire family down! That's not right!

But looking back at this month it wasn't all that bad! I cried, I laughed, I yelled and I have yet to find my sanity! But it's working out! I'm no longer stressing over a new day home for Mr. J and can now actually be a good friend and support them in their new adventure and move! I'm going to work on finding a new system this month for all of us to make it through a day much more easier! With Soccer on Monday and Wednesday Nights we will be out of the house more. My parents are helping out a lot on the weekends. Which is something I never thought I would ever happen! I haven't booked as many parties as I would like but I think it's best not to over do it! When I'm happy it all flows together like it should and I end up being on fire and loving every minute of it!

I haven't been able to blog at all this month either! I want to write about the amazing medal my son received in school and of course about my baby turning ONE! It's hard enough sitting down right now and writing this now that Jaden is up from his nap!

Here's to another adventurous month ahead! Bring it on May! :)

Happy Easter!

For me Easter is about chocolate and the Easter bunny! I never really cared about making it into anything big. No big family dinners and I don't celebrate for any religious reasons.

This year is different! I am cooking a Ham for the first time. Well not really. I've made small ones before but I mean for a family gathering! And I've somewhat invited the family over! I still really didn't make a big deal about it! My conclusion to cooking a ham happened along the lines of this around Wednesday:

Me: Should we do anything for Easter dinner?
Steve: Sure, why not?
Me: Well do you want a ham or do you care?
Steve: Whatever...
Me: Ok, well do you want the whole meal deal? Scallop potatoes and such?
Steve: Sure, why not?
Me: Ok then that's what we will do! Ham dinner!

I even tried asking Steve if that sounded about right and we had another similar conversation that ended in laughing and him stating he's not going to admit not listening or put his foot in his mouth! 

So I sent my brother in law a text. Not actually sure if they are coming or not. I assumed both my parents would come but I guess I was too late with my dad. He's going to his brothers. Fine... Whatever! LOL And my cousin assumed I was making something and said they'd be over with her girls! Well to me that was a given! Feast or not, the kids need to be together for Easter fun! I'm sure we would have figured out the whole dinner thing eventually!

So after somewhat planning this I sat down being very thankful for my family! No it's not the. Sigh I'm really not to sure how to put my family in words. We don't do family reunions on my mom's side. I'm not close with my dad's side and that's that! We all sort of do our own thing! I want to change that. I have always had this vision of my house being "THE" house! The place everyone migrates too! The open door for my boys friends, family dinners and gathering and all! The perfect sitcom or evening drama type life! You know what I'm talking about! Actually "Brothers & Sisters" is what I kind of dreamed for! Drama and all! It's the big family gatherings that I long for! And since buying a house with the space to do it I'm working on creating it! And now that my family is slowing migrating to YYC... It's starting to happen! I can't wait to eventually buy a house with an actual dinning room! Don't worry Steve... That's on my 10 year plan list! Love you!

I am very thankful!

Happy Easter everyone! I hope you have a family crazed, chocolate wasted, ham or turkey filled weekend!

Back to Work

I started back at work yesterday! It was really good! I am very happy to be back. It feels so strange actually. Almost as if I hadn't left on Mat leave. I went in and started my day like I did a year ago. It's taking me a little bit to remember how to do it all again and where to even look for a few things. I'm very thankful I have a few people to lean on for my duh questions. I didn't get to talk to anyone who was doing my job for me for any information that might be important for me to know. The only thing I got from the one person was an email stating that credit card information I might need is in the Urgent box. That was it! No Hi, welcome back! While you were away this, this and this happened. Nope! Nothing like that. I was alone on my first day in the office! Oh well, I am figuring it out! I have a boss who knows what she's doing and great all around support!

Today was a good day too! I felt really good when a client remembered me and told me how thankful and happy she was that I was back! WOW! Really? You missed me? YES was her response! Loved that! I'm feeling special already!

Day two at work for me and day one for day home for Jaden! That however did not turn out so good. He cried most of the day! Just seeing him upset when I got there made my heart sink. I feel bad for being happy I'm back at work. While I'm cramming my brain with relearning and enjoying adult time, he's crying and not enjoying his time. I know he's going to be fine... Until I have to find someone new! Then I have to deal with this guilt all over again. It's this feeling that makes me want to want to stay home! I can do it by booking 5 or more parties to replace my income like I did last month! But it's not guaranteed. And well I'm still not sure it's what I fully want! I like having that extra money on the side with a salary coming in! It makes budgeting and saving so much easier! I also wish maybe I could find someone to come to our house to watch him. Even ask my Dad. But then he wouldn't have the social aspect of a day home. I believe he needs that interaction with others that I didn't fully provide him with during my leave. I sort of avoided play dates and meeting new moms. I didn't want to have to go through that drama again. I hate "mom" drama! It's almost worst then high school!

I have a million things going through my head right now! I have my Passion to do list I haven't gotten to, my new work to do list that consists of things to do and then things to look into and going through files and seeing what "they" did while I was away! I'm happy my co-worker will be there tomorrow. At lease she will be able to help me and fill me in so I don't bug the Front Desk Manager a million times! LOL That's Okay tho, I know she loves me! I'm sure I'll get my pay back next October!

There you have it! Two days in and I'm doing good! Yes my brain feels like it wants to jump out of my head and it hurts so much I want to cry but I expected this feeling. It's the same feeling I got when I first moved to accounting to begin with! Like I said, I'm happy! I just wish my baby was too...

I am only human

I guess it was bound to happen.

Me getting sick.

I can't put it off forever!

I put myself in a position to lower my immune system and BAM! Knocked me right on my ass! It started off with a very harsh cough. That lead to not having a voice! Nothing was making it go away. I drank so much tea and ingested a crap load of honey! Even tried my normal go to remedy for a soar throat even though my throat didn't hurt ~ gargling cayenne pepper. Then came the fever. I was so cold and so tired. Of course I'm still breast feeding so I didn't want to take anything and really can't but I gave in and took some Children's Advil to take the pain away. My body and my head was throbbing from coughing so hard! It then manifesting into a head cold! Great! Just what I need. Sinus pressure! Beautiful!

I've been sick for 6 days! And all I can think about is how grateful I am that it's happening now while I'm still on Mat Leave! I haven't been this sick in a long time. I used to get sick all the time! I was prone to colds. I believe it's completely a frame of mind too! The stress I'm allowing into my mind regarding going back to work was a big portion of this happening! My thoughts become things as we all know!

This has been the strangest sickness I've ever had. I don't recall ever having a fever followed by a cold symptom? I don't really have an appetite either. I envy those who can take a tone of cold medicine and stay in bed for a few days and worry about themselves! I do need to give thanks to my husband for taking care of dinner and to my parents for helping with the boys and a few of the house choirs I couldn't get to as well!

Mothers should not be able to get sick! EVER! If my head wasn't still so foggy I'd try and come up with 10 funny reasons why. But I'm not too cleaver at the moment. I don't see myself the "funny" type! I married my husband for that! LOL He's the cleaver, funny one!

I hope no one else has to go through this thing I am finally getting over! It has not been fun! But again. I am only human! I can't be strong and positive every day! I'm allowed to fall too!

Now I'm picking myself back up and getting ready for a very busy April! And preparing for a new routine with work and family and passion!

And Breath

My start date for work is fast approaching. In just over two weeks I will no longer be on Maternity leave. I will be a working mother.

I'm starting to fall completely apart at the thought of leaving my son. I have a full on anxiety attach. I can't breath and I start to sob. Even just saying this in passing or one quick thought. BOOM! Tears. Done!

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed right now.

With the house, the boys, Passion and my soon to be work schedule.

I'm also feeling alone.

Today I need to remember to take a big deep breath and just ask for help. I know it's all going to go smoothly! Everything in life is how it's supposed to be! And it's good!

I know this is what I need and want!

And BREATH

What the hell is on my face?

When you announce you are expecting your first, second or even your tenth child, you get people telling about everything. What brand of diapers to use. Whether to cloth or not to cloth. Co-sleep or not. Breastfeed vs bottle. Sleep when the baby sleeps. How their labour and delivery went and why you should deliver at home or at the hospital... Blah blah blah

Here is what they DON'T tell you

Chin hairs!
They come out of no where. You wake up in the morning, take a look in the mirror and your are good to go. But come the afternoon you brush your hands across your face and THERE IT IS. You gasp and run to a mirror. A long black hair! WTH. HOW? WHY? How does it grow so fast? It's almost as if it's going to come to life like the pimple on Chris' face in that Family Guy episode. Ohhhh Emmmm Geeee!

I'm now paranoid that I'll have this long ass black hair coming out of my chin that I've missed and people will be gawking at me making fun of it behind my back! I'm now constantly feeling my chin or looking in the mirror. I used to see my own mother do this and I would silently chuckle to myself. NOW I'M DOING THE SAME. DAMN. THING.

I find that if I don't pull it out the second I find it, I end up playing with it all day. Which annoys the hell out of me. It's like that itch that won't go away. And you keep scratching in hopes the make it better but you end up making it worse!

So if you are pregnant with your first child you can now say you have been warned!

Happy Hump Day everyone... I'm off to find my damn tweezers.

My way of thinking

So to go along with yesterdays post and my rant on facebook I would like to clarify my beliefs.

After I took Ethan to the Chiropractor and to school he said he was fine up until dinner time when his stomach ache came back. So I ran him another warm bath and he went to bed with no dinner. He then woke up crying again. Steve freaked out at me. So I told him I would take him in to be checked out while he stays home to do his work he said he needed to do tonight. That there in itself builds a little resentment in my own head that I am trying to push aside. I start thinking about all the times I'm always the one to do things. Why can't he just trust my instinct and what Dr. Paul said. AND THEN I START TO QUESTION MYSELF. I should know better then to do this. I have great instincts. Especially when it comes to my children. There is some kind of tie between a mother and a child that no one can deny is there. I have always had this little voice inside of me that has said either "This is wrong" or "This is right". I don't always listen to it but I'm learning to trust it! 

Here's the thing. I'm not totally against Doctors. No. To me they are surgeons. They are needed when something serious needs to be fixed. Now if I couldn't even touch Ethan stomach or he couldn't play normal like he has been for the past week then I would have had him in the ER sooner. But the pains would come in waves and he was playing, eating and even going to the bathroom normal. He said his entire stomach ached. No one spot. And no I'm not a doctor but I know enough to know that that is not serious. I have had my own stomach pains and hours spent in the ER to know symptoms.  

I felt like a moron when the ER Doctor looked at me and asked in a mocking voice "So why ARE you here?" I told him that Ethan started crying and my husband freaked out! The doctor laughed and said it's normally the other way around. I then told him I'm the hippy one of the family. I'd rather see a medicine man then a doctor any day, no offence. 

So he proceeds to check him out. Felt his stomach and said it's nice and soft which is a great sign that nothing is blocking anything. Nothing is pushing back and it doesn't hurt him to push it! So he's perfectly fine. He might have a mild virus and this could last another week. 

Here is where my problem arises. He then proceeds to tell me we could put him on a mild anti-depressant. I don't understand that industry. Why would he tell me this and what would that really do for a mild stomach ache? Now that I have had a night to process that comment I'm furious and confused. 

I'm mad at myself mostly for not standing my ground. Yes I'm thankful I went and my Ego is beaming because I was told what I was already thinking and that my husband hopefully got the answer he needed but this also makes me mad. I know I'm right but this causes another issue. The lack of trust between myself and my husband. We have different views. Different beliefs. We don't always agree with what is the right approach when it comes to our children. This needs to be addressed. I do know this. Next time Steve doesn't agree with me he can take control and go fix it! I don't care if he has people to call, emails to write and comments to post. If he doesn't like what I'm saying or how I'm handling things he can go get the answers himself! I just hope he's with me when I say what the fuck was that doctor thinking when he suggested an anti depressant? Was it just to get me the fuck out of the room so someone more serious could be seen? I didn't want to be there in the first place. I had to carry a 38 lbs child and a 19 lbs baby in a car seat because one refused to walk into the ER. I then had to try and contain a squirmy baby in my arms because he wanted down to explore. Sure he wants to be held all day until we are some where he really doesn't want to crawl around on. And it bothers me that the most common place to catch anything is where... The ER! 

Not every person with a Dr. in front of their name is good. No one is perfect. Not even me. I make mistakes. I'm running on no sleep which is like having a few drinks. But I believe that a lot of ailments can be cured with simply a better diet. And yes I believe in Chiropractic care. I know a lot of people don't but I do. I have seen it work. And just like the gym, yes you need to go back to maintain your health!

I'm also not a complete hippy. I agree with Vaccinations! I do believe we wouldn't need them if everyone went to a chiropractor but we don't. And I also believe that the ones not vaccinating are going to cause another epidemic but again that is my own belief and I can only sit and wait for time to tell. 

Last night taught me to trust my instinct and that I need to stop trying to control everything. I'm taking off the pants. The next issue to arise will not be in my hands. When I go back to work I'm not going to be able to do it all anyway and if I don't get the help with the decisions, actions and maintenance around here I will really lose my mind. I'm not kidding. I don't know what else to do. I'm venting right now but I've cried and screamed and talked and emailed. Maybe a complete freak out/mental breakdown will break through? 

I am also not saying my way is the best way either. It just feels right. Inside my heart and soul. I have seen and experienced what anti-depressants can do to people and in my experience it made things worse. I have seen and read horror stories of medical doctors making life threatening mistakes. And of course I have heard horror stories of midwives and chiropractors too. However I will not see someone I don't think has my best interest in mind and/or isn't giving me the most natural remedy before going the medical way. I had the same argument when I choose to go ahead with a home birth! 

I do what I feel is right for myself and my family and knock on wood so far I have not been wrong with this path! Agree or disagree with me. This is what is in my heart, soul and head! Along with a little man called Ego doing a happy dance! stupid ego.