I Belong Here!!

For a long time I've struggled with belonging! Fitting in. Finding my own. Feeling welcome and loved! People tell me that I have then amazing energy that they are drawn too and yet I to this day have a hard time seeing it! I feel alone a lot and I am working on embracing this time to find myself! But sometimes that emptiness doesn't go away! No woe is me shit! Just trying to figure out what it is that makes me feel this way! 

I like what I do! I like my job and my business! Earlier this year I joined a group to push myself further. I was on a roll but then my thoughts got the best of me. Or was it the fact that I went back to work. That could have something to do with it! 

Ever since April I've been feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with work, with my business and especially overwhelmed with my home! I feel like I'm the only one doing everything! Planning, organizing, cleaning, cooking, bathing... and the list goes on! Every stay at home mom/dad knows what this list looks like! BUT I WORK TOO. Not to mention a new routine is about to start and I'm sure there's going to be nothing but complaints! But what more can I do before I fall off completely?

This summer has been all about time management, figuring out what I want and what I need to do to get there. And not letting the best of me get me down! Stopping that voice inside my head from convincing me that I am not worth it or I am not good enough for anything better. Better job, more money, better car, better lifestyle. That hot purple dress on True Blood last night! And the body to make that dress look even more sexy on me! 

I was pretty close to shutting down and walking away actually. Like I've done in the past. Push it all away. When I start shutting down on things or people it's hard to get myself back. All I really need is a friend but everyone I know has so much on the go already I'm scared to ask for a shoulder! I feel like a bad friend as it is because I'm so busy with my own life and my own issues. A few weeks ago I signed up for this amazing training weekend! Booked two days off work and hung out with a bunch of amazing people who were doing the same thing I do every day. Live! And work their business! I wanted this to change something in me. I was crossing my fingers it would be better then the others I've attended! And it was! 

It wasn't until this past weekend that I truly felt I belonged somewhere. And it wasn't until that weekend where I finally realized like a lot of people in that room Friday afternoon that "I AM A BIG DAMN DEAL!" I deserve it all! Support, Love, Success, Fun, Friends!

We learned a lot about going back to the basics. I'm trying to do that with everything! Today is the first day of my entire life and I can only move forward one step at a time! Making sure I find that system that works with all aspects of my life! Family, Work, Business and Me time! Making goals and not being afraid of the Infinite Possibilities out there! And of course learning how to promote products and just plain have fun and go for it all!  

I finally thought that Passion is where I am meant to be! It's my thing! It's where I can go when I'm feeling down or need a friend, a hug or just a plain kick in the ass! There's no fear there! Just pure love and support! It's where lives change! People grow! Magic happens! 

I know deep in my heart that I belong here! I am a big damn deal! 

Back to School

Tomorrow my son goes back to school. Grade 1! Yes tomorrow as he's in a year round school.

And I'm crying. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm every emotion! 

You would think these feelings would have gone away after going through Kindergarten?

My son is very compassionate! As much as he does his own thing he does tend to follow as well. This of course is part of learning! That I know. But last year he was drawn to a few kids that bug the shit out of me! And they weren't even 6 yet! How the hell am I going to make it through life with two boys if I can hardly make it through one grade of palm to face type children? I'm scared because I hope that he doesn't get hurt! I hope he doesn't run into any bullies and doesn't feel left out! I felt left out a lot in school. I know I probably brought that on myself but I can remember feeling that as far back as grade 1! I want him to feel like he has close friends and that he will never be alone! 

I am excited because I know he's going to meet new people! He's going to learn so much more over the year and have new experiences that we at home can not give him! I'm excited to finally get back into another routine even if I have to yell and scream at my husband to get with the program and help me! 

I also pray it will help me us keep up with the house work! Get the boys helping more with chores - Laundry, dishes, toys and general tiding up! I'm still feeling overwhelmed with housework! I think I need to just give in to the fact that this is it! If it hasn't changed yet why the hell am I trying to make it change.

I'm crying because my son is growing up. Always. Daily. Never ending. Which means I'm also getting older. OMG... Time needs to slow the fuck DOWN. 

Here's to another school year full of amazing new adventures! 

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

My Husband! He works hard during the week to make sure our bills get paid! He works even harder on the weekends to make sure he keeps his passion and his dream alive! I have so much respect for him because of that! It's not often you meet someone doing what they love!

My Boys! They are my pride and joy! They are the reason I keep moving forward! They give me strength and courage! They have shown me that unconditional love is true and that nothing else matter except for love and happiness! And that even a plain old box can bring such joy and creativity!

My Parents! This one is a long time coming! We have never had a traditional relationship! My parents divorced when I was 2. My dad was hardly around and my mom had her own problems! But that being said today I'm very thankful we have been given the oportunity to be together again! They have been very helpful with the boys and that means the world to me!

I'm thankful that these 5 people surround my daily life helping me grow and move forward! Teaching me every day to love the little things and not worry about what I can not change!

Thank you!

What are you Thankful for Today?...

Are you Insane enough to try it?

My measurements when I started working out at Spa Lady were:
July 6th, 2011
Arm - 13Chest - 38Waist - 31.5ABD - 38.5Hips - 41.5Thigh - 25.5Calf - 14Weight - 148lbs!

My measurements:
March 1st, 2012
Arm - 10Chest - 35Waist - 30ABD - 34Hips - 36Thigh - 19Calf - 12Weight - 129lbs



My measurements since going back to work and before starting the Insanity Program:

July 31st, 2012

Arm - 10Chest - 33Waist - 34ABD - 30Hips - 36Thigh - 21Calf - 13Weight - 127lbs... maybe the 129!

Fitness Test:

Switch kicks: 71

Power Jacks: 38

Power Knees (R): 85

Power Jumps: 26

Globe Jumps: 28/4 = 7

Suicide Jumps: 13

Push-Up Jacks: 13

Low Plank Oblique: 40

I have not been consistent with my work out or my diet! I'm back to my low food high coffee office diet! BAD! I hardly drink any water all day! 

So today I got the Insanity Program! I want to stay fit! I dislike going to the gym just to "work" out! I mean just using a machine and not pushing my limits! I can not afford a personal trainer! Going to the classes at night does not fit into my family's schedule and I've talked about the morning! I went for about two weeks around 5:30am and LOVED it but I also didn't feel like I was pushing myself like I needed it! So I hope that with the help of this program I can use it at home in the mornings and go to the gym on Sundays and Mondays! My favourite sunday Take it off class hasn't been available during the summer! I hope they bring it back in the fall! I loved it! And even if I go to just walk at the gym with this program I know I will see the results I want! 

I truly need a buddy tho! Someone to keep me motivated! I'm going to try and work out before work tomorrow at 4:15am! BUT if I don't then I'm doing it right after work! NO EXCUSES! I have put on a few inches since going back to work and I'm not feeling that sexy feeling I had back in April! It's not a lot but it's enough to bring me down! Damn you ego! LOL

So I'm putting it out there again! 

Are you going to join me in a 60 day challenge? I've done my fitness test! Tomorrow is Plyometric Cardio Circuit! That fitness test was a minute each! I was dripping sweat by the end of that! I'm excited to see what the rest of the program brings! 

I want to lose inches in my waist and thighs! 

Here go's nothing! 

On Set with SMB

Sunday SMB started recording their music video for their up coming single! I'm actually not sure if it was ever considered to have a photographer there or not. I lucked out however. TJ, SMBs sound guy had a Canon Rebel and I got to fulfill a long time dream to take photos with a good camera! For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to take some kind of photography class but always let fear get in the way! But not on Sunday! I felt like a pro! haha

I had a blast! I got to see the boys have fun, listen to a great song and hang with friends and family! I thought there would be more stress but there wasn't! It was an all around great day! We got there around 11 and loaded in. Had a little glitch with the sound but they figured it out and got started! There was over 75 minutes of video recorded for a 4 minute song! They were done and packed up by 5pm! I am very excited to see what Rob puts together! We are a ways from the final cut! I don't want to give too much away lol I'm sure Steve has a few more idea's for their first music video!

Here's a sneak peak of some unedited photos I took that day! I hope you enjoy them as much as I did taking them!

All photos are property of SMB. Please contact Steve McQueen directly to use or copy these photos. Thank you. 

The ending with new beginnings

Every time I see this one particular person he is always commenting on how fit I am, how amazing I look and how wonderful it is to see how happy I am!

He new me in probably one of my darkest times. I was lost, depressed and nothing made me happy!

It's taken me a long time to be grateful for the life I have created for myself! To love and stay in love with the blessings in front of me today! To stop looking for more! To know that everything IS going my way! Even when hard times come around! It allows me to look at it all as a lesson! To learn and grow! Not to play woe is me and feel sorry for myself! I'm learning to embrace emotions! Acknowledge them and then move on! Even as broken as I may think I still am! I am learning to live broken! Happily broken! Happily me!

But for the past week I've been hiding my sadness. A part of my life is ending. A part only a Mother knows. I am going on day three of not breast feeding. I've known for a while the end was coming. Every time I am alone I cry! I'm torn. I want to continue but I want to stop at the same time. The last time I tried nursed him he didn't take. Yesterday I'm sure he could have. This is where I'm torn. Do I try and continue when he needs that little bit of comfort? Or do I run for that freedom I've longed for. Is this the last time I'm going to experience this magical bond between a mother and a baby?

I might have one last moment with him today! Like I had with my oldest! One last goodbye to breast feeding!

I'm very grateful that I was given the chance to breastfeed full time for both my boys! It truly is a magical experience!

I'm also grateful that my life is the way my friend sees it! He's to kind to my ego!

Here is to the next stage in life!

Oh blogging how I miss you

When I was on mat leave I found comfort in twitter and blogging! I have always wanted to write but never believed I was good enough at it! I'm sure I've said that before! My grammar sucks! Ask my wonderful cousin who often facebooks me my errors to correct! I love my editor! She's hired if I ever do write a book! So I thought this would be my step to learning a new hobby!

Now I'm back at work and I have fallen behind like I have with so many other "Hobbies"! You should see my half assed baby blanket I started for Jaden sitting in my closet! Or the other 3 from 5 years ago! Not to mention the half read books, multiple uncompleted and now irrelevant posts and endless to do list!

I guess it all comes down to time management and choices! Instead of writing at night I'm catching up on Y&R or this week Desperate Housewives! Oppp! Or trying to find a cooler place to hang out with my boys! I'm also just wasting time constantly checking my phone for no reason at all!

Work is busy! I love every minute of it! I'm happy to be back! We are all still trying to find a routine! And of course come September we will have to find yet another!

Right now I'm constantly thinking "One step at a time" and "Everything is Going My Way"!

My life is busy and I love it! But I miss all the conversations I used to have with amazing people on twitter, reading blogs and blogging myself!

Well time to get back to it! Have a great Wednesday!