Forgiveness... letting go of the past... If not for the other person but at least for yourself. For your own piece of mind. But here is my question. How do you forgive someone for years of pain, lies and actions that are not, well, right?
The more I learn about certain situations the more I just wish they would not even be a part of my life. I have been told it's alright to walk away. That they do not have to be a part of it. It's my choice who is in my life now! No matter their relation to me. Family are the friends I choose to be with.
But what happens when in reality it's them but you feel the guilt? How do you move on from that? How do you make that feeling go away when you have nothing to feel guilty for?
I enjoy my life. I love who I have in my day to day life. There are times my life gets hard or annoying and I wish I could just pick up the phone. But that's all it is. That's all it ever was. A wish. I will never have the relationship I have always dreamed of because this person will and never has changed.
I have learned that I have no power to change someones ways. I can only change my own. So I have detached my heart and keep my distance emotionally. I will not pick up the phone. That is not my responsibility.
However by walking away is that to not forgive? I don't hate this person and in some way I will always love them but they have broken my trust and pushed me so far that I no long know them. I can't handle being around them. So I just let go. But not enough to get rid of my guilt.
My question is how can I let go and be free from this feeling of guilt without letting them walk all over me yet again?
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Pure Joy
Last night was one of the best nights. After driving around with two sleeping kids in the car doing deliveries (and stopping at Peters and not having to share hee hee) we got home, put my little red head to bed and baby and I layed in my bed. I don't normally like sleeping with my baby. I don't get a good sleep because I'm so worried about how he's doing or if he'll move too close to the edge or pillow or me rolling on him. Anyways he's a tummy sleep to boot and after feeding he was hanging out on his back looking at me and chatting away! He normally hates being on his back. This was pure joy for me. I have no idea what he's thinking but just watching him and interacting with him at this stage warms my heart! Cooing is on my list of top favourite sounds in the world. Next will be his laugh and then on the very top... hearing him say MOM.
I'm so blessed.
I'm so blessed.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Yawn...
Dear Hawks Police Helicopter,
Thank you so much for circling my general area at 3am for an hour. I'm sure our tax paying dollars are serving you very well at that hour. Also thank you for I'm assuming waking up my asshole neighbours who decided to yell and talk very loud at that hour as well.
Sincerely,
Tired mom of two.
I'm sure I would have slept right through it all however baby was up for his night feeding at 3am. I usually have a hard time falling back asleep anyways but last night was super annoying. I think I finally fell asleep around 4am and was back up at 6 for another feeding. My goal was to get up then and go to the gym! HAHAHAHAHHA Who was I kidding! I was dead tired and my arm was bugging me. I do have all day. I will not beat myself down for being lazy this morning. I have every right to stay in bed! I will go tonight! Yes! And depending on the hour I just might take their yoga class!!!! That sounds like a fab idea! But my schedule will be based around baby! After the last two Passion Parties I have realized that baby is refusing to take a bottle so I can't just leave without feeding him prior to walking out the door. I don't worry too much about him missing one feed after 6pm. He's gone up to 12 hours without eating some nights. So I know he can handle waiting 4 hours for me. And of course if he's hungry enough he will eat. anyways I digress :)
Along with my gym venture I'm reading about this 21day cleanse. Now I'm not a religious person at all. I do however believe in a higher power and the energy of the universe and such. This book talks a lot about God. That kinda turns me off so I'm doing my best to change the idea of it. I know where she is coming from. This is a cleanse she learned when she was in rehab. Anyways I'm finally past the 3 or 4 chapters of intro and starting onto the what to do part. I need a journal well that's my blog :) and a prayer... ahhh hell. Now I have to search for a prayer that means something to me...
I am also to wake up 20 earlier (Ummm I don't really have a 'set' wake up time so what then?) then normal. So my plan is to set my alarm for 7:40. I usually have it set at 8 to get hubby up and then I go back to bed until one of the kids wake up. But I can do that. Or just stay up at 8! I'll have to play with my morning. I also have my 6ish wake up call from baby I could use. However she says to lay in bed and do some slow breathing exercises and thank yourself for this journey and life and such. I am then to spend some time in prayer and ask for guidance and strength. (If you know me you are probably having a good chuckle right about now) Once I feel good and awake I then start on with the morning practice! This I can do because it's similar to Train Your Brain ideas and mantras! This is where I need work. I can get up and pick my daily mantra, write it on my post it and place it around the house! She also has a few example questions to answer in the mornings to help create your day! So that part isn't so bad. It's the praying part. I need to get over my negative emotion towards the idea of praying. It's not like I've never prayed before. I have a lot. And it's only recently that I have begun to understand the meaning of faith! I am understanding that one may believe in God and I can believe in myself and the power of the universe and we can pray for the same thing! I believe that the power of what others call God lives inside each of us! Because it is our thoughts that create our world! It's our own power that makes miracles happen! As long as you believe in yourself!
She also talks a lot about your soul and ego and the difference between the two. How a lot of us let our ego's run our lives. This is another way of what Dana Wild calls our Unconscious Mind. Our set in beliefs. Habits!
I'm planning on reading the book once through before I start my cleanse. I'm a slow reader and I have to focus hard when I read or my mind wanders on me! This is something I'm changing! So read it once through and start the cleanse! I'm excited! Clear out my past thoughts so to make room for my new positive thoughts and mantras! I already know that works!
Easy right?
Thank you so much for circling my general area at 3am for an hour. I'm sure our tax paying dollars are serving you very well at that hour. Also thank you for I'm assuming waking up my asshole neighbours who decided to yell and talk very loud at that hour as well.
Sincerely,
Tired mom of two.
I'm sure I would have slept right through it all however baby was up for his night feeding at 3am. I usually have a hard time falling back asleep anyways but last night was super annoying. I think I finally fell asleep around 4am and was back up at 6 for another feeding. My goal was to get up then and go to the gym! HAHAHAHAHHA Who was I kidding! I was dead tired and my arm was bugging me. I do have all day. I will not beat myself down for being lazy this morning. I have every right to stay in bed! I will go tonight! Yes! And depending on the hour I just might take their yoga class!!!! That sounds like a fab idea! But my schedule will be based around baby! After the last two Passion Parties I have realized that baby is refusing to take a bottle so I can't just leave without feeding him prior to walking out the door. I don't worry too much about him missing one feed after 6pm. He's gone up to 12 hours without eating some nights. So I know he can handle waiting 4 hours for me. And of course if he's hungry enough he will eat. anyways I digress :)
Along with my gym venture I'm reading about this 21day cleanse. Now I'm not a religious person at all. I do however believe in a higher power and the energy of the universe and such. This book talks a lot about God. That kinda turns me off so I'm doing my best to change the idea of it. I know where she is coming from. This is a cleanse she learned when she was in rehab. Anyways I'm finally past the 3 or 4 chapters of intro and starting onto the what to do part. I need a journal well that's my blog :) and a prayer... ahhh hell. Now I have to search for a prayer that means something to me...
I am also to wake up 20 earlier (Ummm I don't really have a 'set' wake up time so what then?) then normal. So my plan is to set my alarm for 7:40. I usually have it set at 8 to get hubby up and then I go back to bed until one of the kids wake up. But I can do that. Or just stay up at 8! I'll have to play with my morning. I also have my 6ish wake up call from baby I could use. However she says to lay in bed and do some slow breathing exercises and thank yourself for this journey and life and such. I am then to spend some time in prayer and ask for guidance and strength. (If you know me you are probably having a good chuckle right about now) Once I feel good and awake I then start on with the morning practice! This I can do because it's similar to Train Your Brain ideas and mantras! This is where I need work. I can get up and pick my daily mantra, write it on my post it and place it around the house! She also has a few example questions to answer in the mornings to help create your day! So that part isn't so bad. It's the praying part. I need to get over my negative emotion towards the idea of praying. It's not like I've never prayed before. I have a lot. And it's only recently that I have begun to understand the meaning of faith! I am understanding that one may believe in God and I can believe in myself and the power of the universe and we can pray for the same thing! I believe that the power of what others call God lives inside each of us! Because it is our thoughts that create our world! It's our own power that makes miracles happen! As long as you believe in yourself!
She also talks a lot about your soul and ego and the difference between the two. How a lot of us let our ego's run our lives. This is another way of what Dana Wild calls our Unconscious Mind. Our set in beliefs. Habits!
I'm planning on reading the book once through before I start my cleanse. I'm a slow reader and I have to focus hard when I read or my mind wanders on me! This is something I'm changing! So read it once through and start the cleanse! I'm excited! Clear out my past thoughts so to make room for my new positive thoughts and mantras! I already know that works!
Easy right?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Coffee...
My baby is now 3 months old. It's been over a year without my cup of joe lover. I picked up a few teas after I had my baby and even a small amount makes my head hurt. So onto the herbals I go! Even an Iced Capp gives me a headache and there is something so yummy about those on a hot day! Sad.
And today I for some reason I wanted to make a cup of coffee. I have refrained from doing so because I do believe I'm doing something good for my body and mind. I'm very impressed how alert I have become with out it! I have kicked a caffeine addiction because of a baby! I stopped smoking because well first I wanted to but my husband doesn't smoke so it was a big incentive to quit! There is something about these boys that are forcing me to become a woman I never thought I'd be!
I guess a thank you is in order!
but I haven't gotten over missing it! Maybe in another year I'll forget what a cup of coffee even tastes like!
Friday, July 22, 2011
My 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse Journey
If you know me at all you know I'm more spiritual then religious. I am always growing and always learning. Once I became a mother I grew even more spiritually. I am on a path to let go of my past and embrace the present and future with pure love. I'm tired of toxic, negative people and my own negative thoughts.
Last April I found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled and scared at the same time. I remember making plans and even thinking about a home birth (but agreed to have it at the hospital for hubby), the colour of the room and financial changes that needed to be made. And then... we lost it. I sat in the walk-in clinic torn. I was devastated. But for my son and others I put on a strong face and only broke down in my husbands arms. I lost hope in myself, in my business and in my life. My marriage was hard. I was pushing him away and we were fighting all the time. I broke down and got help! I started listing to Belinda Elsworth to get me back into the networking game and get my business flowing and went to see someone to help me get back to that happy person! And I did!
I was able to accept the reason for the loss and look deep into myself and learn more about what it is I wanted in life. I knew this was only the beginning to my healing and to this day I am still healing!
But I got my blessing! We were blessed with another pregnancy and I was in a better place by then! I always say he didn't want to be born in the winter as he fell in love with the spring! I was able to plan better and move forward.
But I'm still struggling with my own head. A lot of my toxic thoughts come from my past and my mother. I am ready to walk away from it all and move forward towards a life I know I am meant to have!
I remember being in the book store last may and seen this one book. "The 21-day Consciousness Cleanse" by Debbie Ford. It caught my eye but I never purchased it. I wasn't ready then. I came across her on Facebook late last year and started reading more about her as an author and the books she's written.
Today I went and got the book! I'm ready to let go of everything that I feel is holding my soul back and ready to find peace within myself. I no longer want to question my choices. I want to have strength and undoubting faith in my thoughts and life! I'm ready to cleanse my consciousness and take on the world.
So after Y&R :D I will sit down and start reading. The intro was good. But I need to turn off the world for a while and really focus.
I believe this will help me with my goals I've stated before! i believe this will bring more love into my life then ever before! And there is a lot of love!
Today I will pre-read and figure out a plan around my 21 days of devotion to my mind.
So 30 min of Y&R, pre-read, eat pizza and go to the gym then come back and read some more!
Step 1: Preparing for the Game...
Last April I found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled and scared at the same time. I remember making plans and even thinking about a home birth (but agreed to have it at the hospital for hubby), the colour of the room and financial changes that needed to be made. And then... we lost it. I sat in the walk-in clinic torn. I was devastated. But for my son and others I put on a strong face and only broke down in my husbands arms. I lost hope in myself, in my business and in my life. My marriage was hard. I was pushing him away and we were fighting all the time. I broke down and got help! I started listing to Belinda Elsworth to get me back into the networking game and get my business flowing and went to see someone to help me get back to that happy person! And I did!
I was able to accept the reason for the loss and look deep into myself and learn more about what it is I wanted in life. I knew this was only the beginning to my healing and to this day I am still healing!
But I got my blessing! We were blessed with another pregnancy and I was in a better place by then! I always say he didn't want to be born in the winter as he fell in love with the spring! I was able to plan better and move forward.
But I'm still struggling with my own head. A lot of my toxic thoughts come from my past and my mother. I am ready to walk away from it all and move forward towards a life I know I am meant to have!
I remember being in the book store last may and seen this one book. "The 21-day Consciousness Cleanse" by Debbie Ford. It caught my eye but I never purchased it. I wasn't ready then. I came across her on Facebook late last year and started reading more about her as an author and the books she's written.
Today I went and got the book! I'm ready to let go of everything that I feel is holding my soul back and ready to find peace within myself. I no longer want to question my choices. I want to have strength and undoubting faith in my thoughts and life! I'm ready to cleanse my consciousness and take on the world.
So after Y&R :D I will sit down and start reading. The intro was good. But I need to turn off the world for a while and really focus.
I believe this will help me with my goals I've stated before! i believe this will bring more love into my life then ever before! And there is a lot of love!
Today I will pre-read and figure out a plan around my 21 days of devotion to my mind.
So 30 min of Y&R, pre-read, eat pizza and go to the gym then come back and read some more!
Step 1: Preparing for the Game...
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Picking My Battles
Being that I am a firm believer of the Secret and the power of the Universe and positive thinking there is a lot I need to change inside me! I know if I think something good and bad it will manifest. I am doing my best to change the things I believe in and how I have learned to react to life. I have finally found something that I truly believe is helping me. I have seen it in my business this month! It's like magic! I have had 5 online orders out of the blue from woman I have NEVER met! Wow! And all I have done this month is listen to Train Your Brain. I have party leads I need to call and other leads I could follow up on and I haven't. My one party this weekend is a booking from a party last month! My two parties next month are both random bookings that have come to me! LOVE IT!!!
So to find my sanity I need to manifest this magic into my daily life!
Last night I came home from the gym and waited for bed time. Waited for the husband to put Red to bed without me having to ask or nag.
Now here is my IDEAL bed time routine (for my wonderful husband who is probably dreading this blog right now hee hee Love you)
8pm Bath (this can be skip for a few days)
8:30pm Brush Teeth and head to bed for a story!!!
Just like Daddy Red needs to wind down. Bed time is SO much easier when hubby isn't home because I can turn off the TV and lights and make the home a calming place!
Now there are days that bed time can be a fight however when I can calm him down and have this routine in place bed time is a beautiful thing.
Now the other part of this is with Red in bed we can have WE TIME...
Shouldn't this be motivation enough to help? Isn't that one of the biggest turn on's for woman? Men helping out! OMG if I come home and the floor has been vacuumed or the kitchen is clean I want to tear off our clothes then and there!!!! AND this feeling has been very non existing with baby.
So of course bed time was crap last night and I wanted to pull my hair out and scream. Instead I took a deep breath and went to my happy place and read Red a story in my bed and we fell asleep talking about cars around 11pm last night.
So talking to my girlfriend today about manifesting change and such she suggested I suck it up and do it all myself. If I need a hand ask however I am not going to nag. I will take care of both kids morning to night. I will make breakfast, lunch and dinner and do my ideal bed time routine with a smile on my face. I know my husband works hard! He's one job away from being Jamaican so he says! Between the 9 to 5 day job and doing everything his does for his band it's close to 3 jobs! I get that! But it drives me crazy when he comes home and sits on the couch all night without helping with at least one chore and helping with our kids really shouldn't even count as a chore!
So I'm close to having this house clean again after my not so good strike after family left! Not to mention the FIL is coming tonight! Still have a few things to tidy up and a few loads of laundry to do...
Day one of my Do not bitch about the no help... it's still early! However he's got a meeting tonight so that will help me BIG time!
Here we go! picking my battle to not complain about the same damn thing which in turn brings it on even more! it's time to manifest a helping hand by not complaining in the first place!!!! Think happy thoughts! I say it all the time. Peter Pan was onto something!
Wish me luck! Or my husband! One of us will need it! hahahaha
So to find my sanity I need to manifest this magic into my daily life!
Last night I came home from the gym and waited for bed time. Waited for the husband to put Red to bed without me having to ask or nag.
Now here is my IDEAL bed time routine (for my wonderful husband who is probably dreading this blog right now hee hee Love you)
8pm Bath (this can be skip for a few days)
8:30pm Brush Teeth and head to bed for a story!!!
Just like Daddy Red needs to wind down. Bed time is SO much easier when hubby isn't home because I can turn off the TV and lights and make the home a calming place!
Now there are days that bed time can be a fight however when I can calm him down and have this routine in place bed time is a beautiful thing.
Now the other part of this is with Red in bed we can have WE TIME...
Shouldn't this be motivation enough to help? Isn't that one of the biggest turn on's for woman? Men helping out! OMG if I come home and the floor has been vacuumed or the kitchen is clean I want to tear off our clothes then and there!!!! AND this feeling has been very non existing with baby.
So of course bed time was crap last night and I wanted to pull my hair out and scream. Instead I took a deep breath and went to my happy place and read Red a story in my bed and we fell asleep talking about cars around 11pm last night.
So talking to my girlfriend today about manifesting change and such she suggested I suck it up and do it all myself. If I need a hand ask however I am not going to nag. I will take care of both kids morning to night. I will make breakfast, lunch and dinner and do my ideal bed time routine with a smile on my face. I know my husband works hard! He's one job away from being Jamaican so he says! Between the 9 to 5 day job and doing everything his does for his band it's close to 3 jobs! I get that! But it drives me crazy when he comes home and sits on the couch all night without helping with at least one chore and helping with our kids really shouldn't even count as a chore!
So I'm close to having this house clean again after my not so good strike after family left! Not to mention the FIL is coming tonight! Still have a few things to tidy up and a few loads of laundry to do...
Day one of my Do not bitch about the no help... it's still early! However he's got a meeting tonight so that will help me BIG time!
Here we go! picking my battle to not complain about the same damn thing which in turn brings it on even more! it's time to manifest a helping hand by not complaining in the first place!!!! Think happy thoughts! I say it all the time. Peter Pan was onto something!
Wish me luck! Or my husband! One of us will need it! hahahaha
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Dear Gym... I Love You
Yesterday I read someone asking what makes you motivated enough to the gym. Yesterday morning I got up at 4am to drive friends to the airport and I was feeling great. I got home around 5:30 for my baby's one night feeding. I finally layed down around 6:30 and was thinking how I should go to the gym. I didn't get up at go because I only got about 4 hours of sleep and should get some more. Of course it takes me about an hour to wind down from the morning feeds anyways and thought why not go after that? I could easily slip out from 6 to 7:30 and even have time for a shower before the house wakes up at 8am!
The question was: What mativates you to go to the gym that early?
Wanting to lose 20lbs. Get back into my size small clothes. Feel sexy again. I want to be able to look in the mirror and LOVE what I see. I don't even want my husband touching me because I don't think I'm anything to touch right now. How wrong is that? Who am I to deside what he would like anyways. But this I must work on in my head. I must learn to love my beautiful body!
So then I was sitting here right after another wonderful feed around 6:45 and thought why would I attempt to go in the morning when I can go right now while the hubby is home for the kids to save the $8? So I did! And I did again tonight. And I feel good. I love that hour to myself. I love feeling like I'm doing something to help me get to my goal. I guess not like I am doing something.
There's more to this I need to work on. I need to change my diet. I'm doing pretty good but I need to learn more about what will work best with my body to get the fastest results. I weighed myself two days ago and I was 147. Tonight I was 149 but I also had spegetti for dinner :S Oh so yummy :D And I'm feeling like I could eat again but I'm not sure what would be good at 9pm. I could have a glass of milk and some peanut butter on a few crackers or something. Anyways time to do some research.
I made it to the gym again! I'm very proud of this! I don't know how long it will take for me to love what I see but I know if I keep going 3 to 4 times a week and do my very very best to stay away from junk I will get there fast!
The question was: What mativates you to go to the gym that early?
Wanting to lose 20lbs. Get back into my size small clothes. Feel sexy again. I want to be able to look in the mirror and LOVE what I see. I don't even want my husband touching me because I don't think I'm anything to touch right now. How wrong is that? Who am I to deside what he would like anyways. But this I must work on in my head. I must learn to love my beautiful body!
So then I was sitting here right after another wonderful feed around 6:45 and thought why would I attempt to go in the morning when I can go right now while the hubby is home for the kids to save the $8? So I did! And I did again tonight. And I feel good. I love that hour to myself. I love feeling like I'm doing something to help me get to my goal. I guess not like I am doing something.
There's more to this I need to work on. I need to change my diet. I'm doing pretty good but I need to learn more about what will work best with my body to get the fastest results. I weighed myself two days ago and I was 147. Tonight I was 149 but I also had spegetti for dinner :S Oh so yummy :D And I'm feeling like I could eat again but I'm not sure what would be good at 9pm. I could have a glass of milk and some peanut butter on a few crackers or something. Anyways time to do some research.
I made it to the gym again! I'm very proud of this! I don't know how long it will take for me to love what I see but I know if I keep going 3 to 4 times a week and do my very very best to stay away from junk I will get there fast!
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