Parenting is hard! It's not always fun! Sometimes it makes you want to kick, cry, scream and pull your hair out! Oh wait I already do that... But with all this in mind, it's all worth it!
I always wanted to be a mom but never knew what to make of that want! It was up there with wanting a new car and a better job. It had so many unknown thoughts accompanied within itself that I was a bit unsure of how I would handle motherhood!
Then the big day came! The moment I realized I was expecting! I was getting ready to have a bath. I wasn't feeling very good over the last few days! (lol that wasn't what gave it away) As I was taking off my shirt I brushed my nipples and oh my fucking gawd the sensitivity... I knew right then and there! I had two HPT in the bathroom to double check my intuition! Positive! Within seconds! Both times. One I even just dipped in the toilet! I lowered myself into the bath and sobbed. Out of fear! Out of the unknown! I was 23. Really age wasn't a big deal but I was still young! Steve and I had only been together for just over a year. We talked about marriage and family but not this soon. I cried alone for about 20 minutes before I got the courage to tell Steve. I got up, warped a towel around me, still dripping I walked to the couch. Crying I told him! His response was that we will go to a doctor and go from there! He was comforting.
After the initial shock of that life changing moment and of course the confirmation from a doctor we started to get excited! We were going to be a family!
Over that past 5 years I have grown along side our son. As he learns, I learn! I think people forget that! Being human doesn't come with a manual just as being a parent doesn't! It's another stage in life where we stumble through with questions, doubts and ah ha moments just like the other stages in life. I remember coming home one afternoon and Ethan turned to me and said he was sorry. He was 4. This took me by surprise because he hadn't done anything wrong that day. I asked him why he was sorry and he explained it was for making me mad that one time... I started to cry. I sat him down on the couch and had a little heart to heart. I wasn't sure how much of this he would understand but it had to be done. I told him that we were both learning. That when he does something bad that makes me mad it's not forever. I explained that I'm doing my best as his mom just as he does his best to just be! That together we will work as a team. We won't always get along but he should never once doubt my love for him. And he only has to apologize once! The next day is a new day! I have a very sensitive boy!
Steve and I planned our second baby. Steve is 4 years older then his brother and wanted that age gap between our kids. I wasn't to sure about it but agreed and am very thankful I did! We found out we were expecting number two in the spring of 2010! Over the moon we spoke to soon. At 8 weeks I lost the baby. It killed me. I still cry to this day thinking about how that could have been my daughter. I try and make fun of the fact that she got a glimpse of the relationship I have with my mother and thought twice about joining that mess! After a few month I was mentally ok to try again! And we were blessed with another boy! Jaden was born in the spring of 2011. So I thought maybe he was the baby I lost and loved spring so much that he would prefer to be born then instead of conceived! Either way I will never know! All I know is he's my second gift! Another miracle!
This time it's easier. Being a parent to a baby. I'm not questioning everything. I know what to do most of the time! I've learned how to learn my baby's language! There were a few rough patches of memory loss but I eventually figured it out! And this time I have my true friends going through it with me!
Yes parenting is hard but I'm very thankful I get to experience it! I don't always think I'm right and I still have my doubts but I'm learning to listen to my heart! Everyday I wake up and think about how lucky I am to have two amazing boys! They make me laugh, cry, want to scream, go crazy and every other emotion in the book! But I now know the true meaning of unconditional love! And that is the best gift I've every received!
And there is so much more to this gift I have yet to experience! Isn't life grand?
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