Depression - Mental Awareness Day

Today a twitter friend @insanemamacita told me she wrote a post about her mom's alcohol problem and that today was her birthday! She also did it for @Bell_LetsTalk day of mental awareness!

This got me thinking about my own mom and our struggles with her Bi-Polar disorder.

The truth today is I'm not sure where she's stands. If she still treats it with the vitamins from True Hope or if she went back to medication. I have never asked. Because I was scared to ask. Until today. She said her bi-polar was triggered by her drug use and still has bad days but does not take anything for it any more!

Growing up I seen my mom as the "Erin Brockovich" type of woman! She was strong and beautiful and smart! Not to say that she still isn't but that was my image back then. She worked in real estate and then moved to appeasing. At night she would lay on our couch reading her correspondence school books, knitting and watching tv with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth!  She worked hard!

The turning point where she fell off the wagon that I remember was the death of her sister. I remember hearing about how she had to be dragged out of the funeral hall because she was trying to crawl in the casket to be buried with her sister. I tried reaching out to her for comfort and she walked away. It was my aunty that gave me the hug I needed. I was a baby. It killed me. I can't even imagine what my cousins were going through. I will never forget that day! Anyway I digress

That's when I remember the fighting started more between my mom and her alcoholic boyfriend. The drama, yelling and physical fighting. Years later we finally move out. I could go into details of some situations with my mom and her depression but I'm not ready yet. The worst was when we moved out. She started using again. Or at least I became aware of it. We started hanging out more and more at a local tattoo shop and became very close with that group of people. We moved beside drug dealers and had the owner of the tattoo shop move in with us! I remember Ronnie coming home from the bar before my mom and sending me to bed. I would wait up for her. I know realize he was trying to protect me. Or a group of our friend in their 20's would stop by my house and order pizza and have an after party there! I enjoyed that! I loved that group!

Here is where my mom really fell off the deep end. Ronnie committed suicide in our basement while we were sleeping. It woke us up. It was so loud but mom told me to go back to sleep thinking it was something outside. I seen the basement light on and was going to go down and see Ronnie until I got very dizzy and laid back down on the couch where we were both sleeping with our dog Chuey. That morning while getting ready for school I told mom I would go get Ronnie up because he had a doctors appointment that day. I decided to brush my teeth first. I then walked halfway down the basement stairs and turned around because I had to use the washroom. Three attempts to wake him up and all three times something made me not! My mom found him. THAT is what broke her. I seen the basement after but I never seen Ronnie and I thank my Guardian Angel every day for that!

After that things got worse. Her drug use got worse along with her depression. I was then taken away. I lived in a foster home for the summer and then was moved to Vancouver to live with my grandparents!

My dad's wife at the time helped my mom clean up. She got a job and lived on her own again. And then moved to Victoria to be closer to me. By then we had moved there too. My mom then started to become over medicated. She lost herself. Early on she would mix alcohol and her medications. I remember her acting so strange. My grandmother tried to get her to go do rehab but she refused. She then became over weight and mentally unaware. This broke me. I would write down every medication that stupid excuse for a doctor had put her on for her bipolar, shaking, anxiety, not sleeping, sleep walking or whatever other side effect one was giving her at the time. The worst part was that a lot of these medications counteracted each other. I would go to visit her and worry about finding her dead. Or get a call that she had burned down her apartment. She smoked. She would also fall asleep mid sentence. She ended up in a coma once. The ICU doctors didn't know if she would pull out of it or not. I used to get so mad because my grandparents had banned her from our home. I understand now that they were only trying to protect not only me but themselves. This was a huge burden on their marriage!

By the time graduation came around and I had decided to move to Calgary I bought my mom a cat! I didn't want her to be alone. I was scared. It was a long time family friend that introduced her to True Hope! They helped my mom over the course of a year wean off these horrible medications. And they brought her back to life!

My mom lost the weight, is no longer taking medication and is back on her feet! Of course there is an entire book to be written about the middle parts of a lot of this post.

Depression is hard. I struggled with it. People need to know that they too can get help! They need to talk about it! But they also need to know that not every doctor is about helping!

If you know someone with depression please tell them about True Hope! Let them know they are not alone!

This is all I can write for now! Thank you for reading!