Letting it out

I've been feeling a little low lately. Alone actually. I feel like I'm talking to a wall most of the time. Like I'm speaking in my own language that no one else understands. I've been so busy with Passion and my day job the last few months I have had no time for myself, my friends or my husband. My boys get lots of me time during the week nights thankfully but it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I have no one to relate to. Lean on. Or even just a shoulder to cry on. I'm scared to pick up the phone because I don't want to seem weak but I am so fucking tired of being strong. I'm so fucking tired of feeling like I have to do it all. If I don't do it it doesn't get done or it's just not done right at all. I have become so overwhelmed I'm having a hard time keeping me in check! I feel completely disconnected from people! And of course as much as I long to be around people I want to be left alone at the same time! It's such a messed up feeling. I'm starting to think I need a week off life. But I also need a week to get my house sorted out and cleaned out and organized. Hell I need a week to put my office in order.

There's so much more I want to say but I just can't seem to figure out how to put it into words.

I feel a bit better! I need to sleep! Hopefully I can sit down tomorrow and write out a 2012 recap! And set some 2013 goals!

Broken Hearts

I am speechless with what I have been seeing and reading over the past 24 hours. I broke down today when someone asked me how my boys were doing. I say it's because I'm working too much, not getting enough rest, feeling sick and my baby has been sick as well. But I cried today because all I feel in my heart is sadness as I'm sure all mothers around the world are feeling. I'm the type of person who absorbs energy. I automatically feel what another is feel just by being around them or seeing something happen.

So now what?

Count your blessings! Believe in Miracles! Be thankful for your life and your family!

That's what I will be doing! I can not change the past but I sure as hell can make sure my future is as fantastic as possible! And gratitude is the best way to do so!

Thank you all for standing by me. Loving me and being there when I needed you the most!

Thank you to my husband for loving me even when I know he doesn't know how to handle me!

Thank you to my boys for being you!

Thank you to my parents for all your support!

This holiday season I will be saying a prayer for those who have lost their loved ones this year! And giving thanks to those who will be around for the years to come!

Love your life, your family and your friends!

I can't blog....

I want to write something profound and meaningful! I have slacked on this blogging thing and seeing if I could "become" something with it! ha! Maybe next year!

But right now trying to put words down is difficult! I've been dizzy for over an hour and Steve is re-watching things that is very distracting. He's going through our PVR and seeing what we can delete. He's laughing so hard the entire couch is shaking!

And even writing this right now is annoying me! I don't know if it's because I can't focus or I'm just lazy!

Anyway... I will do my best to put out something for the end of the year recap and of course my 2013 goals!

Off to put J down for a nap and play bejewelled







!

All I want for Christmas

Is a clean and organized house!

I've come to the conclusion that the only way I will get that is by paying someone else to do it!

If you walked into my house you would know exactly what I needed help with!

Kitchen, Laundry, Bathrooms, Toys...

That's it! I've asked, I've begged, I've cried, I've screamed, and I've written it out I don't know how many times between private letters and this blog...

I'm starting to accept that this is it! My life as I know it! I'm alone with this! Trying to teach my boys to help me and pray that they grow up and help when they are in a relationship!

I should have seen this coming. I should have realized it! But I was young and in love! Now I'm overworked and couldn't care less about love. I want functioning and support! I've learned by talking to others that the only way I could possibly get that is by becoming a lesbian! Really?

Tomorrow I'm going out and spending more of my Vegas savings on a new Kitchen Tap! I'm also going to toss out a bunch of shit I haven't seen in over a year just stacking up and of course work on laundry and start on my office!

I will have my clean house for Christmas. It's going to cost me when it shouldn't. I have people in the house almost daily that could save me money but... They are all men! So yeah!

That's all I want!

Wait... What?

Time is going by way too fast for my liking. Every time I think I have more time to complete something I realize I am already past the "due date". I sometimes feel like I take on way to much with little to no help and other times I feel like everything is flowing nicely!

My son turns 6 tomorrow. I don't even know how to put into words how I feel about that. I'm in awe. I feel so blessed and I'm excited for our future but I can not believe that he is going to be 6! Hell I sometimes can't believe that I have two children!

Last night I made rainbow cupcakes for his class. Tonight I will be making the icing for them. Tomorrow my parents will be taking him out for lunch and I'm going to make his favorite dinner - Spaghetti. With all that I have to do I am very thankful he wanted his birthday at Chuck E Cheese! I do not have to clean my house! I do however have to make another birthday cake! I haven't yet asked what he wants. We have a few pans but I'm sure he'll want Spider-Man! I plan on baking the cake Saturday morning and decoration it Sunday! I get to Party with Angie Friday for her Birthday and I have two Parties on Saturday as well! One out of town! I booked the birthday party for Sunday at 4pm just so I can have time! I need more time! I sure hope he's happy with it all! I know he will be! Especially when he gets his present tomorrow night!

It's going to be a fun filled week and weekend! I can't wait to take photos and share it all!

Happy Birthday Ethan! I love you so much and thank you for everything that you do! Helping me with your brother, your chores and making me laugh when I need it the most! You are an amazing person!

Happy Thanksgiving 2012

Fall is one of my favourite seasons! I love the changing colours, being able to wear sweaters and of course Thanksgiving dinner!

I wrote about it last year here! I'm very proud of my Turkey Dinners! Turkey, stuffing, creamy mashed potatoes, squash, pie and so much more! I love that I have a home I can open up to family and cook for! I still dream about a bigger house, bigger kitchen and dinning room! But for now my home is perfect!

This year I'm counting my blessings! Making sure I remind myself daily how lucky I am! What I am thankful for!

The first thing I always think about is my family! My husband and our two boys! They are my entire world!

I'm thankful for my parents for all that they do for us! I'm thankful for my grandparents for their consistent support and cheering me on every day! I'm thankful for Steve's family and all of our friends! For everything and understand that we are a busy family and being there for us either by supporting our businesses or just to make us smile!

I'm thankful for SMB and Passion Parties for giving us something worth working for! The passion and dreams they both provide! The people we have met and the future they are building for us! They both create who our family is today!

I'm thankful for our jobs (even when we both wish we didn't have to work), our cars and our home!

But most of all I'm thankful for our Health! The one thing a lot of people take for granted!

This year make sure you take care of yourself and tell your family you love them! You never know what life will bring you. What experience or lesson you will be learn from or be dealing with next!

Thank you all for reading this as well! Supporting me through all my ups and downs! My crazy idea's I don't always follow through with! And well just being there!

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?



Rest in Peace Pat! We love you! We will miss you! And we will play the toilet game in your memory! Pass it down for generations to come! Thank you for coming into our lives!

Where does a 17 month old boy hide mommy's glasses?

I wear glasses. Mostly for driving or if I want to see things walking too! I'm not the greatest at putting my glasses away. Which is bad when you are trying to teach your 5 year old to put their glasses in their case too!
Last weekend I came home late. Worked all day and I had a party that night. I was tired. I got in the house and put my glasses on the kitchen table as I often do and went to bed! The next morning I woke up so sick I could barely walk! I made the boys breakfast and waiting for dad to get up so I could go back to bed. I pretty much slept Sunday away so there was no need for my glasses!

Come Monday I'm getting ready to head out to pick up a few things we needed. Still felt like ass and the house looked about the same. I could not for the life of me find my glasses. Tuesday comes along and still no sign of my glasses. I was feeling a lot better and cleaned my house that night in hopes to find the damn things and well... clean my house. NOTHING

So I tweet the questions: Where does a 17 month old boy hide glasses?

The most common response was the toilet! Well since I was living on the toilet for the last 3 days (Sorry for the TMI) I would pray I would see them there and not flush them down. Again I'm sure if I did that would have caused a much bigger problem!

I looked all around the living room, all over the kitchen, the fridge, the cupboards, the garbage in the bathroom and drawers, the bathtub, the bedroom, the basement, outside and even in the vacuum! NOTHING

I then decide this is a sign I need to get a new pair. I haven't had my eyes checked in years and I was noticing the my prescription was changing! So I get in, get a new prescription and ordered two pairs online and another set for Ethan! $64! Bonus!

It's now Friday! I should have my new glasses by next week! I'm looking forward to seeing again when I drive! It's harder when it's dark and mixed with crazy Calgary drivers I was just adding to that problem! Made for some fun morning rides into work!

This morning I get a call from hubby with laughter in the background! Apparently they found my glasses! They were the prize in the cereal box! How the hell did they end up there?

So next time you lose something in your house with a toddler check the cereal boxes as well! You just never know what the next prize will be!

Question Of The Day

What do Men Really Think?

Are they really from Mars while we are from Venus?

When "we" (Woman) Beg, cry, scream, neg or even simply ask for help... What the hell goes through their head? Over and over and over and over again.

Help me understand... Please!

I think this calls for a weekend with Donna!

Image courtesy of google search

The no where to be found Anywhere Switch!

A few years ago we went to Vancouver to visit my Aunt & Uncle and they had this in a bedroom! I thought it would be a fantastic idea for our Kitchen! My Kitchen's light switch is in the far back corner of our kitchen! I want our switch located where you walk into the kitchen like our dinning room switch! And of course with practically everything I take my sweet ass time looking into this! A few weeks ago I went into Home Depot to pick up this Anywhere Switch! It was quite entertaining trying to explain this in chick lingo when I really had no idea what I was looking for! I had an idea but didn't know it at the time what it was actually called! Well I found it before the associate had any clue what I was talking about!

I get it home and my Dad hooks it up! Annnnd no lights! Not being electricians and all we figure something came lose and will look into it soon! I went a week with no kitchen lights other then the one above my stove! I finally get an SMB band member over who is an actual electrician and he gets the lights working and then... POP! The remote doesn't work! He pulls it out and sees that the antenna end is bare and hit metal and blew it! Great! Ok I'll just run out and get another one and electrical tape! Pretty simple! So I thought! They didn't have one and of course there was NO ASSOCIATE around who knew what I was talking about or willing to help! So I head to Lowe's. Nothing! Today I find myself in the south end of the city and pop into another HD... Nothing. Call around to 3 other locations. Nothing... I can not find this thing anywhere.

I'm about ready to give up for the day! But I thought I would jump online and see what I can find! I couldn't possibly have purchased the last one in Calgary? Really? Online says there are Zero in stock anything in my surrounding areas! So I punch in my old Victoria Postal Code and VIOLA! There are 2 in Park Royal West Van and 4 in Victoria! I have my grandma getting me one in Victoria and trying to get my cousin who is on vacation to get the one in Park Royal!

It would be my luck for me to get the very last one in this city! It's such a cool item! I can not believe it would be discontinued! One associate said it was because customers were having so many issues with them! Ah yes the open ended antenna! Easy fix! ELECTRICAL TAPE! I also emailed the company and suggested they fix this defect and get HD to restock! So we will see how that goes! Now I get to wait for either my cousin or my grandma to put on in the mail for me!

This is just the beginning of my mini reno work around my house!

I want to change the lighting in my kitchen and dinning room! Reno my entire upstairs bathroom! Flooring throughout my entire house! New front door with screen door! Paint my bedroom and that should do it!

So if you are looking for a cool anywhere switch there are now 3 left in Victoria and maybe soon to be one in Park Royal! I'm thinking of avoiding HD for a very long time! Or until I need electrical tape! haha

Keeping up with Chores and not turning into a Monster Mom

September is here! School is back in full swing all over the city. It's now time to buckle down and get back into a routine! Out of that lazy summer swing of things!

I used to HATE routines. Mainly when it came to food and such but that was pre-children! I often gave my husband a hard time about his "Routines". I'm now pushing 30 and begging for a routine! Structure! Help! A kick in the ass to get me out of this tired and lazy hole I've managed to dig myself into and can not get out! My life feels like one big beautiful disaster! And that needs to change!

I posted on Facebook the other night about how I do not know how working single parents do it! Hats off to them! I get the working, picking up the kids and cooking dinner and bed time routines... but then there's the house! The chores! Organization! My business! Me time.... and the non-existing Date Nights! Now those who were or are actual single working parents said it's not easy! It's hard! My mom said, and I quote "Why do you think I'm such a shitty housekeeper!" And she really is. LOL She can cook a damn good meal but omg she can not clean! I give her props for trying to help me once in a while around my house tho! The most amusing part to my post to me were all the Stay at Home Mom's who piped in! No offence to all my SAHM friends but it wasn't aimed at you! I don't know how you keep up with housework either but like I said it's like having any job... If you stay on top of it then it's doable! BUT most of you are at home all day. Working Parents are not! I want to hear from the people who are not at home all day! What kind of systems work for those who have 2 or more jobs to keep their head above water! How do they teach their children (or spouses) to help out and not be bitter about it! Do they sleep? Have they given up on "Me" time... "Our" time? Like I have? I do know a lot of SAHM that leave most of the cleaning until after bed time! It's easier then trying to keep up with kids running around! So I guess in a way it's the same! But again. What are you giving up to keep up?

I am not single but there are days I feel like I am and just have an extra child to take care of. My husband is an amazing hard working man but when it comes to household chores it's like asking our 5 year old to pick up his toys! I get the "In a Minute", "I'll get to it when I get to it", "Yes Dear" or the dreaded eye roll and heavy sigh! I try and point out that he freaks when our son does that to him! That if he can not help me when I ask then he can not expect the same out of our boys! There are times where I just let it go. I don't ask. I just do it all on my own. And then it gets to the point that I'm too tired to care and just stop doing it all. My house then looks as if a tornado went through. And then pms kicks in and I freak out about once a month! I cry and yell and beg for help! Things are good for about a week and then the cycle returns! Once in a while Steve will have a PMS fit about the house and I'll just sit there with a smirk and chuckling in my head! It's pretty entertaining at times! Especially when he makes me laugh when I'm trying to freak out! Ugh I hate that! I just want to get mad!

So that being said. I need to find a routine that works for us! Simple, to the point! Back to Basics type of thing! Something we can all do together to avoid Erin's monthly break down!!!! I can call it The Save the Family from Monster Mom Program! ha!

I am going to need supplies to help me create a system that works for the Working Class Parents who have two hours to fit in a days worth of chores!

Deepfreeze, bins, baskets, labels and possibly a big as cluttering cleaning job!

Some days I feel like we are hoarders that hide it well! We have boxes full of shit we haven't seen in over 6 years and yet it's still there! Then there's the papers, cd's, clothes and toys. Oh gawd the toys. WE DO NOT NEED ANY MORE TOYS!

I need to tackle one room at a time! My my shopping list and schedule in the time and JUST DO IT! Now this is where I ask for help!!!!

I would love to hear from the Working Class Parent (Single or Couples)! I want to hear about your fantastic duties and organizing tips and tricks! (Other then just drinking a lot of wine which was a facebook comment I absolutely LOVE! lol)

And which products do you, have you found useful?

Here's to another School Year!

I Belong Here!!

For a long time I've struggled with belonging! Fitting in. Finding my own. Feeling welcome and loved! People tell me that I have then amazing energy that they are drawn too and yet I to this day have a hard time seeing it! I feel alone a lot and I am working on embracing this time to find myself! But sometimes that emptiness doesn't go away! No woe is me shit! Just trying to figure out what it is that makes me feel this way! 

I like what I do! I like my job and my business! Earlier this year I joined a group to push myself further. I was on a roll but then my thoughts got the best of me. Or was it the fact that I went back to work. That could have something to do with it! 

Ever since April I've been feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with work, with my business and especially overwhelmed with my home! I feel like I'm the only one doing everything! Planning, organizing, cleaning, cooking, bathing... and the list goes on! Every stay at home mom/dad knows what this list looks like! BUT I WORK TOO. Not to mention a new routine is about to start and I'm sure there's going to be nothing but complaints! But what more can I do before I fall off completely?

This summer has been all about time management, figuring out what I want and what I need to do to get there. And not letting the best of me get me down! Stopping that voice inside my head from convincing me that I am not worth it or I am not good enough for anything better. Better job, more money, better car, better lifestyle. That hot purple dress on True Blood last night! And the body to make that dress look even more sexy on me! 

I was pretty close to shutting down and walking away actually. Like I've done in the past. Push it all away. When I start shutting down on things or people it's hard to get myself back. All I really need is a friend but everyone I know has so much on the go already I'm scared to ask for a shoulder! I feel like a bad friend as it is because I'm so busy with my own life and my own issues. A few weeks ago I signed up for this amazing training weekend! Booked two days off work and hung out with a bunch of amazing people who were doing the same thing I do every day. Live! And work their business! I wanted this to change something in me. I was crossing my fingers it would be better then the others I've attended! And it was! 

It wasn't until this past weekend that I truly felt I belonged somewhere. And it wasn't until that weekend where I finally realized like a lot of people in that room Friday afternoon that "I AM A BIG DAMN DEAL!" I deserve it all! Support, Love, Success, Fun, Friends!

We learned a lot about going back to the basics. I'm trying to do that with everything! Today is the first day of my entire life and I can only move forward one step at a time! Making sure I find that system that works with all aspects of my life! Family, Work, Business and Me time! Making goals and not being afraid of the Infinite Possibilities out there! And of course learning how to promote products and just plain have fun and go for it all!  

I finally thought that Passion is where I am meant to be! It's my thing! It's where I can go when I'm feeling down or need a friend, a hug or just a plain kick in the ass! There's no fear there! Just pure love and support! It's where lives change! People grow! Magic happens! 

I know deep in my heart that I belong here! I am a big damn deal! 

Back to School

Tomorrow my son goes back to school. Grade 1! Yes tomorrow as he's in a year round school.

And I'm crying. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm every emotion! 

You would think these feelings would have gone away after going through Kindergarten?

My son is very compassionate! As much as he does his own thing he does tend to follow as well. This of course is part of learning! That I know. But last year he was drawn to a few kids that bug the shit out of me! And they weren't even 6 yet! How the hell am I going to make it through life with two boys if I can hardly make it through one grade of palm to face type children? I'm scared because I hope that he doesn't get hurt! I hope he doesn't run into any bullies and doesn't feel left out! I felt left out a lot in school. I know I probably brought that on myself but I can remember feeling that as far back as grade 1! I want him to feel like he has close friends and that he will never be alone! 

I am excited because I know he's going to meet new people! He's going to learn so much more over the year and have new experiences that we at home can not give him! I'm excited to finally get back into another routine even if I have to yell and scream at my husband to get with the program and help me! 

I also pray it will help me us keep up with the house work! Get the boys helping more with chores - Laundry, dishes, toys and general tiding up! I'm still feeling overwhelmed with housework! I think I need to just give in to the fact that this is it! If it hasn't changed yet why the hell am I trying to make it change.

I'm crying because my son is growing up. Always. Daily. Never ending. Which means I'm also getting older. OMG... Time needs to slow the fuck DOWN. 

Here's to another school year full of amazing new adventures! 

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

My Husband! He works hard during the week to make sure our bills get paid! He works even harder on the weekends to make sure he keeps his passion and his dream alive! I have so much respect for him because of that! It's not often you meet someone doing what they love!

My Boys! They are my pride and joy! They are the reason I keep moving forward! They give me strength and courage! They have shown me that unconditional love is true and that nothing else matter except for love and happiness! And that even a plain old box can bring such joy and creativity!

My Parents! This one is a long time coming! We have never had a traditional relationship! My parents divorced when I was 2. My dad was hardly around and my mom had her own problems! But that being said today I'm very thankful we have been given the oportunity to be together again! They have been very helpful with the boys and that means the world to me!

I'm thankful that these 5 people surround my daily life helping me grow and move forward! Teaching me every day to love the little things and not worry about what I can not change!

Thank you!

What are you Thankful for Today?...

Are you Insane enough to try it?

My measurements when I started working out at Spa Lady were:
July 6th, 2011
Arm - 13Chest - 38Waist - 31.5ABD - 38.5Hips - 41.5Thigh - 25.5Calf - 14Weight - 148lbs!

My measurements:
March 1st, 2012
Arm - 10Chest - 35Waist - 30ABD - 34Hips - 36Thigh - 19Calf - 12Weight - 129lbs



My measurements since going back to work and before starting the Insanity Program:

July 31st, 2012

Arm - 10Chest - 33Waist - 34ABD - 30Hips - 36Thigh - 21Calf - 13Weight - 127lbs... maybe the 129!

Fitness Test:

Switch kicks: 71

Power Jacks: 38

Power Knees (R): 85

Power Jumps: 26

Globe Jumps: 28/4 = 7

Suicide Jumps: 13

Push-Up Jacks: 13

Low Plank Oblique: 40

I have not been consistent with my work out or my diet! I'm back to my low food high coffee office diet! BAD! I hardly drink any water all day! 

So today I got the Insanity Program! I want to stay fit! I dislike going to the gym just to "work" out! I mean just using a machine and not pushing my limits! I can not afford a personal trainer! Going to the classes at night does not fit into my family's schedule and I've talked about the morning! I went for about two weeks around 5:30am and LOVED it but I also didn't feel like I was pushing myself like I needed it! So I hope that with the help of this program I can use it at home in the mornings and go to the gym on Sundays and Mondays! My favourite sunday Take it off class hasn't been available during the summer! I hope they bring it back in the fall! I loved it! And even if I go to just walk at the gym with this program I know I will see the results I want! 

I truly need a buddy tho! Someone to keep me motivated! I'm going to try and work out before work tomorrow at 4:15am! BUT if I don't then I'm doing it right after work! NO EXCUSES! I have put on a few inches since going back to work and I'm not feeling that sexy feeling I had back in April! It's not a lot but it's enough to bring me down! Damn you ego! LOL

So I'm putting it out there again! 

Are you going to join me in a 60 day challenge? I've done my fitness test! Tomorrow is Plyometric Cardio Circuit! That fitness test was a minute each! I was dripping sweat by the end of that! I'm excited to see what the rest of the program brings! 

I want to lose inches in my waist and thighs! 

Here go's nothing! 

On Set with SMB

Sunday SMB started recording their music video for their up coming single! I'm actually not sure if it was ever considered to have a photographer there or not. I lucked out however. TJ, SMBs sound guy had a Canon Rebel and I got to fulfill a long time dream to take photos with a good camera! For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to take some kind of photography class but always let fear get in the way! But not on Sunday! I felt like a pro! haha

I had a blast! I got to see the boys have fun, listen to a great song and hang with friends and family! I thought there would be more stress but there wasn't! It was an all around great day! We got there around 11 and loaded in. Had a little glitch with the sound but they figured it out and got started! There was over 75 minutes of video recorded for a 4 minute song! They were done and packed up by 5pm! I am very excited to see what Rob puts together! We are a ways from the final cut! I don't want to give too much away lol I'm sure Steve has a few more idea's for their first music video!

Here's a sneak peak of some unedited photos I took that day! I hope you enjoy them as much as I did taking them!

All photos are property of SMB. Please contact Steve McQueen directly to use or copy these photos. Thank you. 

The ending with new beginnings

Every time I see this one particular person he is always commenting on how fit I am, how amazing I look and how wonderful it is to see how happy I am!

He new me in probably one of my darkest times. I was lost, depressed and nothing made me happy!

It's taken me a long time to be grateful for the life I have created for myself! To love and stay in love with the blessings in front of me today! To stop looking for more! To know that everything IS going my way! Even when hard times come around! It allows me to look at it all as a lesson! To learn and grow! Not to play woe is me and feel sorry for myself! I'm learning to embrace emotions! Acknowledge them and then move on! Even as broken as I may think I still am! I am learning to live broken! Happily broken! Happily me!

But for the past week I've been hiding my sadness. A part of my life is ending. A part only a Mother knows. I am going on day three of not breast feeding. I've known for a while the end was coming. Every time I am alone I cry! I'm torn. I want to continue but I want to stop at the same time. The last time I tried nursed him he didn't take. Yesterday I'm sure he could have. This is where I'm torn. Do I try and continue when he needs that little bit of comfort? Or do I run for that freedom I've longed for. Is this the last time I'm going to experience this magical bond between a mother and a baby?

I might have one last moment with him today! Like I had with my oldest! One last goodbye to breast feeding!

I'm very grateful that I was given the chance to breastfeed full time for both my boys! It truly is a magical experience!

I'm also grateful that my life is the way my friend sees it! He's to kind to my ego!

Here is to the next stage in life!

Oh blogging how I miss you

When I was on mat leave I found comfort in twitter and blogging! I have always wanted to write but never believed I was good enough at it! I'm sure I've said that before! My grammar sucks! Ask my wonderful cousin who often facebooks me my errors to correct! I love my editor! She's hired if I ever do write a book! So I thought this would be my step to learning a new hobby!

Now I'm back at work and I have fallen behind like I have with so many other "Hobbies"! You should see my half assed baby blanket I started for Jaden sitting in my closet! Or the other 3 from 5 years ago! Not to mention the half read books, multiple uncompleted and now irrelevant posts and endless to do list!

I guess it all comes down to time management and choices! Instead of writing at night I'm catching up on Y&R or this week Desperate Housewives! Oppp! Or trying to find a cooler place to hang out with my boys! I'm also just wasting time constantly checking my phone for no reason at all!

Work is busy! I love every minute of it! I'm happy to be back! We are all still trying to find a routine! And of course come September we will have to find yet another!

Right now I'm constantly thinking "One step at a time" and "Everything is Going My Way"!

My life is busy and I love it! But I miss all the conversations I used to have with amazing people on twitter, reading blogs and blogging myself!

Well time to get back to it! Have a great Wednesday!

Stress...

I was laying in bed mentally and physically exhausted last night but could not fall asleep. I had this huge to do list on constant replay I just can not seem to start! I have no energy or drive to even try and figure out where to begin. I need help which I still dong feel like I'm getting. Having two boys doesn't help either. I need a break from my responsibilities. I fantasize about renting a hotel room with a king size bed and sleeping until I feel rested! Then heading for a day in a spa and sleeping some more!

I filled out this chart the other day. On a scale of 1 to 10 where do I feel I am...

Social Life - 1

Physical Health - 3

Mental/Spiritual Health - 3

Family Life - 7

Job - 7

Financial - 1

I can't think of the other ones or if there were any more. Overall I am stressed. I am not getting the amount of sleep I need to do everything I need to do. I don't feel like I'm getting the help I need to make sure some of this stress isn't even stress at all. I started going to the gym but as good as that is I'm still tired! I'm working on my financial situation so I'll visit that in a few months and well the rest will hopefully fall into place. I can't do anything about my sleep. I have a one year old who does not always sleep through the night. He still nurses 3 to 5 times a day. 2 if I'm lucky!
I don't have very many close friends and the ones I do consider close live far way! I don't want to go out clubbing. I'd rather do dinners or other get together. But yeah... whatever
I love my job! It's a lot better now since I've been back! It can be stressful but it's a job! It pays my bills and it gives me more then  just a 5 or 1 year old conversation! It's my break from a fucking disaster of a house...
My wonderful husband and I need to make for time for each other!

So back to this to do list. The constant clutter... When will I find the energy to de-clutter my life???

Woman of Influence

I have never had very high self confidence. Even to this day. I would always wish I was some body else. I would look at others and think how much prettier they were, or smarter, or just plain better then me! If I got into a hobby and asked a friend to join me I always started to think that I wasn't as good at it as them and would stop doing said hobby or wouldn't try very hard. I can see this feeling sneak in even with my Passion Parties business. I question how good I am at being a consultant and why others are more successful then me? I'm scared to call people to see if they are happy with their product or if they simply need more items. I'm just scared! But I'm also tired of these thoughts...

I'm told now that people envy me. They want what I have! And I have to remind myself how blessed I truly am. How pretty I am, how talented I am, how successful I am, how smart I am and that I am truly a woman of influence! Passion defines a Woman of Influence as a DIVA: Disciplined, Inspired, Vibrant and Accomplished! I am all of those in my life as a whole! I may not always have a full party calendar however I am a very busy and successful woman, mother and wife! I finished school, work a full time job, married a loving man who is an amazing father to our two boys, bought a home and run a business! I lost my baby weight and them some and I feel good! I'm now working on scheduling in more me time and a few extra parties to pay down my debt! 

I'm not really to sure who I look up to any more. I'm doing my best not to compare my life to others. It's something that really isn't worth doing. I'm trying to clear out my thoughts and my life to have some room to breath! One step at a time! I'm learning that I am in control of my life and my business and if I choose to go with the flow and not push then that's that! I do not what to have to justify anything! It's just the way it is! My family needed the break. I needed the break! And now I'm ready to ease back into it! I've been back at work for a while now and it's going very well! I am very happy there! I love working at a JOB! I do not want to be a stay at home mom! My life is good! And making it to the gym before work twice last week was a very positive accomplishment! My next goal is to schedule in deep cleaning time to organize this chaos of a house! I do have wine for those who would love to help me! 

I hope that my life inspires others to do the same! Be a true DIVA! Keep moving forward! We only have one life! If you are not happy with something then you must do something to change it! 

Back On Track

I have been talking about managing my time better and getting back on track with the gym. Finding another routine. Taking care of me! I miss the gym. I miss my classed. The downfall is the time of the classes I can take are at night. Either right after I get off work or around dinner/bed time. That is just not going to work for me or my family and business! And I'm usually dead tired. So that leaves the morning. They say you get a better bang for your buck working out in the morning. It's better for your metabolism. But I really don't know all that much. I should research some more. I would also not have to worry about the boys! Who's going to watch them or if the gym's daycare is open.

Here's the big question. Do I really want to leave my house at 4:50am to work out from 5am to 6am? AND there are no classes. Will I be able to get a good work out on my own without a personal trainer or guidance?

I will have to put my fear aside and have faith that I know what I need to do. It's not as if I have never worked out before! I can create a set of work out routines to rotate. Write them down and just do it! But the one thing I loved about going to classes was the fact that I didn't really have to think. I just did what I was told and was pushed to finish!

So now to work up the endurance to drag my sorry ass out of bed to go to the gym! My alarm is already set for 4:30! I will just have to avoid hitting the snooze for an hour and actually get up! Make everything the night before and I should be good! It would be so much easier if I had a buddy! I wonder if I could meet someone there and pair up!?

Last time I checked I was 124lbs. When I stepped on a friends scale it looked closer to 122. But I can not be for sure! And it's not a big deal for me. That number. It's really irrelevant. I want to tone my mid section and continue to build strength!

I would like to go Tuesday to Friday! 4 days a week! But I'll be happy with 3 even!

I can do this! I am worth it! I can start Tuesday June 12th - 5am!

Now to plan a routine...

Budgets... What?

I'm an accountant. I work with numbers all day. Mostly I balance journals and receivables. I am usually very organized at work and on top of everything.

Until I go home!

When I come home I feel not so organized and lost. I have a budget and a schedule and can not keep track of either. I feel like I'm drowning.

I know what I need to do. I have all the tools: Mantras, spreadsheets, jobs! But it's still not enough. It killed me when everyone cancelled on me this past month and my emotional levels were a mess to say the least. I lost touch with myself. My ability to have faith in life. In my future. In my business.

I said I was going to go back to the gym and get back on that routine. 5 days into June and I haven't had the chance!

My Passion money isn't going to my student loans as planned. I shouldn't have bought new work clothes but I needed to! It's the price of losing weight. I'm trying to play catch up! And not very well.

I need to figure this out! I need help! I need a Christian Grey to give me $24,000. That would cover a few things! lol Can I get a Mr. Christian Grey with not strings please? Bahahahaha Wishful thinking... Sigh

I know this is going to take time. Getting back on track after mat leave. That killed me financially. Now I feel like I'm dying emotionally! Lack of sleep and messed up hormones. What a mess!

Next month my student loans are going to be combined! That should give me a little bit of an edge to get them paid down faster! I am going to sit down and go over my budget yet again! Go over the past 6 months and find out what I'm spending my money on and what I can cut out! AND STICK WITH IT! Possibly get that program that will auto download my debits for me. Save me so time on data entry!

Why is it so hard? Debits and Credits! Left and Right. You either have it or you do! Gaaaaahhhhhhhhh

I can help people create and follow a budget easily! Why can I not take my own advice???

I AM A MONEY FREAKEN MAGNET!!!!

Where the hell is my ME TIME?

Ever since I started working I have almost no me time.

My days consist of this. Get up, go to work. Pick up son #2 and head home to cook dinner. Mon and Wed we sort of eat and then get back in the line of traffic for soccer Come home and get the boys ready for bed and then I'm there myself. Our weekends are pretty full too now that it's nice outside.

I haven't gone to the gym. I haven't been able to blog. I've managed to read 50 Shades of Grey over the past week!

And just now as I logged into google to write something J comes over crying for my attention.

My goal for June is to get my ass back to the gym! Sunday and Monday Mornings and Tuesday Nights. 3 days a week should be perfect!

My next goal is to manage my time better!

My other goal is to not kill this family!

And here he comes crying again! Sigh

Why I'm taking a break from Social Media!

Your Thoughts along with your Actions create your Reality! This I know to be true!

Lately I have been struggling to play a balancing act with my thoughts and emotions. I haven't been able to fully get a grasp on them. My actions have been what is required to get through my day. However my outcome says other wise. I guess I have to go over and above the requirement to get what I want. Or what I thought I wanted.

I'm struggling with that as well! What the hell do I... ME... want?

What does my IDEAL life look like?

I really don't know.

Ideally my dream has always been that SMB would be more successful by now. Fame wise. They are extremely successful locally. Just come look at my calender and hear how people rave about them! They are by far the most talented, entertaining band in the city! BUT I can not manifest where SMB goes. THAT is not my dream. THAT is something those boys have to sit down and envision together! If they do not all have the same vision for the band or even if Steve doesn't have a clear vision for himself, then it's going to be what it is today. A local successful working band! So I need to accept that and change my dream!

Lately I've been toying with the idea to try and replace Steve's income with my day job and Passion. But that would take a few years. And I'm not to sure if I want to work that much. I'm not to sure I want to do that many parties. Now that I'm back at work I don't want to go out every weekend. I want to be able to have dinner with my boys and attempt to watch a movie and then go to bed early! lol But then again I would be giving up something I signed up for to have as my own. Something that was mine. Something I could schedule around. And the best part of it is that it's always there for me! Whether I choose to work one party a month or 8+. It's mine!

So back to me working my ass off to figure out my want and ideal life...

I want financial freedom first. What am I doing to get this. Well I was booking a crap load of parties until my thoughts and emotions got the best of me. Until now. So I need to figure that out again. Crunch numbers. Make a plan starting from what I would ideally want to make each month and work backwards. What steps do I need to take to get this!

I want to renovate my house and then be able to move into a detached home!! This takes money! See above plan to help with this plan! LOL

I want to travel and take my boys on vacation! Again... money! I've already saved for my trip to Vegas next year! Now to save for something for the boys! Disney World in 5 years! I want Jaden to appreciate it too!

I want a bigger vehicle which I already blogged about calling it my Compelling Vision (which I think I need to change, compelling vision wise not car wise).

I want to be able to spend more time with my husband and boys outside of the house! Day trips, date night, movies, camping! SOMETHING!

For Mothers Day I'm diging up my yard and starting a garden! It better be nice out! Ethan wants to help me too!

And I want and NEED some ME time! To sit alone and ponder! Really. I have been fantasising about taking off to some meditation camp on the other side of the world for a month alone! Eat, Pray, Love style! I also need to get my ass back on schedule with the gym. Ugh

Right now when I look at my life I see complete chaos. My car, my office desk, my house, my thoughts! CHAOS! Even this post seems a bit chaotic. I need help organizing it all! <---- This here is me ASKING for help! HELP!

So along with my financial planning, I am creating a time management sheet! I have also decided to take a 5 day break from Social Media! Which I may extend or not go on as much! I need this! I need a cleanse. I need a break from life! I have so much thinking, yelling, crying and laughing to do with myself to find an inch of sanity before I lose my mind or my family completely! Nothing else matters more to me then my family! That is what comes first and if I have to take a break from other things I originally signed up for then that's what I'm going to do! Until I feel confident in my life, relationship and work the rest can wait! People can call me and come see me! But I'm turning inwards for now!

May 9 Wordless Wednesday

A Walk In the Park

Who ever said relationships are a walk in the park were not lying.

They did however forget to mention that during this walk it's going to rain, snow, have hurricane wind storms, maybe a few tornadoes and be a bit overcast. But along with the bad there is the good! Sunrises, sunsets, hot periods and perfect cool breezes!

Here's what I've learned so far during my walk.

No matter how good and strong you think your relationship is. Even if you are enjoying the weather during this walk in the park, your partner may not be! Even if you think they are or should be! If you do not talk to them consistently then you might as well be walking alone! It's going to take work! You might have to walk a little fast, maybe even run! You are not always going to want to speed things up but there will be times when you can just stroll! That is the best thing you could do to make sure your walk in the park is a good one. Adjust! Together!

Make time for each other! Life gets busy! You make choices to create your daily circumstances! You can choose to be staring at your phone or chatting to someone else during this walk or you can put the damn thing away and pay attention to your loved one(s). Be present in the PRESENT! Because you might just blink and be miles further down the path without even remember how you got there!

Help out! If they trip, lend a hand! If the wind picks up, offer a your jacket! If the sun is shining, buy a bottle of water to share! It's not a bad thing to be selfish sometimes but when walking beside someone you must not be overly selfish! You are the only one to make you happy but if you are only thinking about you then why are you walking beside someone at all?

And of course the only thing I personally am working on!

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! If the wind picks up and messes up your hair don't bitch that your partner suggested to go for the walk in the first place! Get a little messy! Roll around in the dirt and learn to laugh about it! You can't expect life to happen to you tomorrow if you don't get out there and enjoy what you have today! So what if the dishes didn't get done! Right Erin!... right!

But also remember that if you do not accept the person YOU are today, how can you expect others to accept you as well! Love yourself in order for others to love you back! Wear sunscreen if it's sunny out! Bring your own water. If you see a storm approaching, grab a rain coat or umbrella! Be prepared! And enjoy the walk no matter what kind of weather it happens to be! You did make the choice to stay where the weather is the way it is!

Now go enjoy that walk, run or stroll!

Thursday Ponder

Two things I know for sure:

I am really good at my job and I am a very good Mother!

These two things allow me to feel good about myself daily knowing I work hard to make sure my boys are happy! Because right now that is all that matters!

April Showers Bring

Not Spring Flowers!

April has proven to be a crazy, stressful, busy month!

I went back to work after my year off for maternity leave. I had to start looking for a new day home for Jaden for the fall. I tried to reach a new goal for Passion Parties and of course tried to keep my house from falling apart!

The Upside to this chaos is I'm loving being back at work!

The down side... I still have guilt! It was a very hard transition for Mr. J. It broke my heart when I went to pick him up after my first few days and you can see he'd been crying all day and hear it in his voice. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I was enjoying myself. My ego was also enjoying going back to work!

I was hearing things like "WOW, You look amazing", "O.M.G we are so happy you are back", "Great Job" and of course my favourite was when a new employee said this "You're Erin? WOW you are so young and skinny! I was expecting an older, bigger person coming back from mat leave!" Bahahaha Seriously?

So along with the guilt, I have being tired. I'm drained! I had 9 parties booked in April! 9! I held 4! My emotions were getting the best of me! Trying to juggle work, sports, dinner, cleaning, sleep and passion was taking the best of me! I'm sure Steve hates who he's living with right now! I've just been feeling like I'm doing this all myself! But really I'm not! We are both exhausted! We also all got the flu bad this month as well! That took us all for a ride! Having someone come in once a month to just clean isn't what I need. I need someone to come in once a week and tidy up too!

My mom told me not to worry so much about the shape of the house. "So what if it's messy! It's not like it's dirty and if people don't like how messy your house it then they can come for a visit and clean it for you!" LOL Thanks mom but when I walk through the door after working all day I can feel the stress on my body the minute I walk into the kitchen to get dinner ready! I can't make dinner with no clean dishes! If I cook then he can help clean! It's only fair! Everything has to be split 50/50! We both have two jobs! We both have lots of our plate! We need to team together to get this house in shape so it's not bringing me down which in turn brings the entire family down! That's not right!

But looking back at this month it wasn't all that bad! I cried, I laughed, I yelled and I have yet to find my sanity! But it's working out! I'm no longer stressing over a new day home for Mr. J and can now actually be a good friend and support them in their new adventure and move! I'm going to work on finding a new system this month for all of us to make it through a day much more easier! With Soccer on Monday and Wednesday Nights we will be out of the house more. My parents are helping out a lot on the weekends. Which is something I never thought I would ever happen! I haven't booked as many parties as I would like but I think it's best not to over do it! When I'm happy it all flows together like it should and I end up being on fire and loving every minute of it!

I haven't been able to blog at all this month either! I want to write about the amazing medal my son received in school and of course about my baby turning ONE! It's hard enough sitting down right now and writing this now that Jaden is up from his nap!

Here's to another adventurous month ahead! Bring it on May! :)

Happy Easter!

For me Easter is about chocolate and the Easter bunny! I never really cared about making it into anything big. No big family dinners and I don't celebrate for any religious reasons.

This year is different! I am cooking a Ham for the first time. Well not really. I've made small ones before but I mean for a family gathering! And I've somewhat invited the family over! I still really didn't make a big deal about it! My conclusion to cooking a ham happened along the lines of this around Wednesday:

Me: Should we do anything for Easter dinner?
Steve: Sure, why not?
Me: Well do you want a ham or do you care?
Steve: Whatever...
Me: Ok, well do you want the whole meal deal? Scallop potatoes and such?
Steve: Sure, why not?
Me: Ok then that's what we will do! Ham dinner!

I even tried asking Steve if that sounded about right and we had another similar conversation that ended in laughing and him stating he's not going to admit not listening or put his foot in his mouth! 

So I sent my brother in law a text. Not actually sure if they are coming or not. I assumed both my parents would come but I guess I was too late with my dad. He's going to his brothers. Fine... Whatever! LOL And my cousin assumed I was making something and said they'd be over with her girls! Well to me that was a given! Feast or not, the kids need to be together for Easter fun! I'm sure we would have figured out the whole dinner thing eventually!

So after somewhat planning this I sat down being very thankful for my family! No it's not the. Sigh I'm really not to sure how to put my family in words. We don't do family reunions on my mom's side. I'm not close with my dad's side and that's that! We all sort of do our own thing! I want to change that. I have always had this vision of my house being "THE" house! The place everyone migrates too! The open door for my boys friends, family dinners and gathering and all! The perfect sitcom or evening drama type life! You know what I'm talking about! Actually "Brothers & Sisters" is what I kind of dreamed for! Drama and all! It's the big family gatherings that I long for! And since buying a house with the space to do it I'm working on creating it! And now that my family is slowing migrating to YYC... It's starting to happen! I can't wait to eventually buy a house with an actual dinning room! Don't worry Steve... That's on my 10 year plan list! Love you!

I am very thankful!

Happy Easter everyone! I hope you have a family crazed, chocolate wasted, ham or turkey filled weekend!

Back to Work

I started back at work yesterday! It was really good! I am very happy to be back. It feels so strange actually. Almost as if I hadn't left on Mat leave. I went in and started my day like I did a year ago. It's taking me a little bit to remember how to do it all again and where to even look for a few things. I'm very thankful I have a few people to lean on for my duh questions. I didn't get to talk to anyone who was doing my job for me for any information that might be important for me to know. The only thing I got from the one person was an email stating that credit card information I might need is in the Urgent box. That was it! No Hi, welcome back! While you were away this, this and this happened. Nope! Nothing like that. I was alone on my first day in the office! Oh well, I am figuring it out! I have a boss who knows what she's doing and great all around support!

Today was a good day too! I felt really good when a client remembered me and told me how thankful and happy she was that I was back! WOW! Really? You missed me? YES was her response! Loved that! I'm feeling special already!

Day two at work for me and day one for day home for Jaden! That however did not turn out so good. He cried most of the day! Just seeing him upset when I got there made my heart sink. I feel bad for being happy I'm back at work. While I'm cramming my brain with relearning and enjoying adult time, he's crying and not enjoying his time. I know he's going to be fine... Until I have to find someone new! Then I have to deal with this guilt all over again. It's this feeling that makes me want to want to stay home! I can do it by booking 5 or more parties to replace my income like I did last month! But it's not guaranteed. And well I'm still not sure it's what I fully want! I like having that extra money on the side with a salary coming in! It makes budgeting and saving so much easier! I also wish maybe I could find someone to come to our house to watch him. Even ask my Dad. But then he wouldn't have the social aspect of a day home. I believe he needs that interaction with others that I didn't fully provide him with during my leave. I sort of avoided play dates and meeting new moms. I didn't want to have to go through that drama again. I hate "mom" drama! It's almost worst then high school!

I have a million things going through my head right now! I have my Passion to do list I haven't gotten to, my new work to do list that consists of things to do and then things to look into and going through files and seeing what "they" did while I was away! I'm happy my co-worker will be there tomorrow. At lease she will be able to help me and fill me in so I don't bug the Front Desk Manager a million times! LOL That's Okay tho, I know she loves me! I'm sure I'll get my pay back next October!

There you have it! Two days in and I'm doing good! Yes my brain feels like it wants to jump out of my head and it hurts so much I want to cry but I expected this feeling. It's the same feeling I got when I first moved to accounting to begin with! Like I said, I'm happy! I just wish my baby was too...

I am only human

I guess it was bound to happen.

Me getting sick.

I can't put it off forever!

I put myself in a position to lower my immune system and BAM! Knocked me right on my ass! It started off with a very harsh cough. That lead to not having a voice! Nothing was making it go away. I drank so much tea and ingested a crap load of honey! Even tried my normal go to remedy for a soar throat even though my throat didn't hurt ~ gargling cayenne pepper. Then came the fever. I was so cold and so tired. Of course I'm still breast feeding so I didn't want to take anything and really can't but I gave in and took some Children's Advil to take the pain away. My body and my head was throbbing from coughing so hard! It then manifesting into a head cold! Great! Just what I need. Sinus pressure! Beautiful!

I've been sick for 6 days! And all I can think about is how grateful I am that it's happening now while I'm still on Mat Leave! I haven't been this sick in a long time. I used to get sick all the time! I was prone to colds. I believe it's completely a frame of mind too! The stress I'm allowing into my mind regarding going back to work was a big portion of this happening! My thoughts become things as we all know!

This has been the strangest sickness I've ever had. I don't recall ever having a fever followed by a cold symptom? I don't really have an appetite either. I envy those who can take a tone of cold medicine and stay in bed for a few days and worry about themselves! I do need to give thanks to my husband for taking care of dinner and to my parents for helping with the boys and a few of the house choirs I couldn't get to as well!

Mothers should not be able to get sick! EVER! If my head wasn't still so foggy I'd try and come up with 10 funny reasons why. But I'm not too cleaver at the moment. I don't see myself the "funny" type! I married my husband for that! LOL He's the cleaver, funny one!

I hope no one else has to go through this thing I am finally getting over! It has not been fun! But again. I am only human! I can't be strong and positive every day! I'm allowed to fall too!

Now I'm picking myself back up and getting ready for a very busy April! And preparing for a new routine with work and family and passion!

And Breath

My start date for work is fast approaching. In just over two weeks I will no longer be on Maternity leave. I will be a working mother.

I'm starting to fall completely apart at the thought of leaving my son. I have a full on anxiety attach. I can't breath and I start to sob. Even just saying this in passing or one quick thought. BOOM! Tears. Done!

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed right now.

With the house, the boys, Passion and my soon to be work schedule.

I'm also feeling alone.

Today I need to remember to take a big deep breath and just ask for help. I know it's all going to go smoothly! Everything in life is how it's supposed to be! And it's good!

I know this is what I need and want!

And BREATH

What the hell is on my face?

When you announce you are expecting your first, second or even your tenth child, you get people telling about everything. What brand of diapers to use. Whether to cloth or not to cloth. Co-sleep or not. Breastfeed vs bottle. Sleep when the baby sleeps. How their labour and delivery went and why you should deliver at home or at the hospital... Blah blah blah

Here is what they DON'T tell you

Chin hairs!
They come out of no where. You wake up in the morning, take a look in the mirror and your are good to go. But come the afternoon you brush your hands across your face and THERE IT IS. You gasp and run to a mirror. A long black hair! WTH. HOW? WHY? How does it grow so fast? It's almost as if it's going to come to life like the pimple on Chris' face in that Family Guy episode. Ohhhh Emmmm Geeee!

I'm now paranoid that I'll have this long ass black hair coming out of my chin that I've missed and people will be gawking at me making fun of it behind my back! I'm now constantly feeling my chin or looking in the mirror. I used to see my own mother do this and I would silently chuckle to myself. NOW I'M DOING THE SAME. DAMN. THING.

I find that if I don't pull it out the second I find it, I end up playing with it all day. Which annoys the hell out of me. It's like that itch that won't go away. And you keep scratching in hopes the make it better but you end up making it worse!

So if you are pregnant with your first child you can now say you have been warned!

Happy Hump Day everyone... I'm off to find my damn tweezers.

My way of thinking

So to go along with yesterdays post and my rant on facebook I would like to clarify my beliefs.

After I took Ethan to the Chiropractor and to school he said he was fine up until dinner time when his stomach ache came back. So I ran him another warm bath and he went to bed with no dinner. He then woke up crying again. Steve freaked out at me. So I told him I would take him in to be checked out while he stays home to do his work he said he needed to do tonight. That there in itself builds a little resentment in my own head that I am trying to push aside. I start thinking about all the times I'm always the one to do things. Why can't he just trust my instinct and what Dr. Paul said. AND THEN I START TO QUESTION MYSELF. I should know better then to do this. I have great instincts. Especially when it comes to my children. There is some kind of tie between a mother and a child that no one can deny is there. I have always had this little voice inside of me that has said either "This is wrong" or "This is right". I don't always listen to it but I'm learning to trust it! 

Here's the thing. I'm not totally against Doctors. No. To me they are surgeons. They are needed when something serious needs to be fixed. Now if I couldn't even touch Ethan stomach or he couldn't play normal like he has been for the past week then I would have had him in the ER sooner. But the pains would come in waves and he was playing, eating and even going to the bathroom normal. He said his entire stomach ached. No one spot. And no I'm not a doctor but I know enough to know that that is not serious. I have had my own stomach pains and hours spent in the ER to know symptoms.  

I felt like a moron when the ER Doctor looked at me and asked in a mocking voice "So why ARE you here?" I told him that Ethan started crying and my husband freaked out! The doctor laughed and said it's normally the other way around. I then told him I'm the hippy one of the family. I'd rather see a medicine man then a doctor any day, no offence. 

So he proceeds to check him out. Felt his stomach and said it's nice and soft which is a great sign that nothing is blocking anything. Nothing is pushing back and it doesn't hurt him to push it! So he's perfectly fine. He might have a mild virus and this could last another week. 

Here is where my problem arises. He then proceeds to tell me we could put him on a mild anti-depressant. I don't understand that industry. Why would he tell me this and what would that really do for a mild stomach ache? Now that I have had a night to process that comment I'm furious and confused. 

I'm mad at myself mostly for not standing my ground. Yes I'm thankful I went and my Ego is beaming because I was told what I was already thinking and that my husband hopefully got the answer he needed but this also makes me mad. I know I'm right but this causes another issue. The lack of trust between myself and my husband. We have different views. Different beliefs. We don't always agree with what is the right approach when it comes to our children. This needs to be addressed. I do know this. Next time Steve doesn't agree with me he can take control and go fix it! I don't care if he has people to call, emails to write and comments to post. If he doesn't like what I'm saying or how I'm handling things he can go get the answers himself! I just hope he's with me when I say what the fuck was that doctor thinking when he suggested an anti depressant? Was it just to get me the fuck out of the room so someone more serious could be seen? I didn't want to be there in the first place. I had to carry a 38 lbs child and a 19 lbs baby in a car seat because one refused to walk into the ER. I then had to try and contain a squirmy baby in my arms because he wanted down to explore. Sure he wants to be held all day until we are some where he really doesn't want to crawl around on. And it bothers me that the most common place to catch anything is where... The ER! 

Not every person with a Dr. in front of their name is good. No one is perfect. Not even me. I make mistakes. I'm running on no sleep which is like having a few drinks. But I believe that a lot of ailments can be cured with simply a better diet. And yes I believe in Chiropractic care. I know a lot of people don't but I do. I have seen it work. And just like the gym, yes you need to go back to maintain your health!

I'm also not a complete hippy. I agree with Vaccinations! I do believe we wouldn't need them if everyone went to a chiropractor but we don't. And I also believe that the ones not vaccinating are going to cause another epidemic but again that is my own belief and I can only sit and wait for time to tell. 

Last night taught me to trust my instinct and that I need to stop trying to control everything. I'm taking off the pants. The next issue to arise will not be in my hands. When I go back to work I'm not going to be able to do it all anyway and if I don't get the help with the decisions, actions and maintenance around here I will really lose my mind. I'm not kidding. I don't know what else to do. I'm venting right now but I've cried and screamed and talked and emailed. Maybe a complete freak out/mental breakdown will break through? 

I am also not saying my way is the best way either. It just feels right. Inside my heart and soul. I have seen and experienced what anti-depressants can do to people and in my experience it made things worse. I have seen and read horror stories of medical doctors making life threatening mistakes. And of course I have heard horror stories of midwives and chiropractors too. However I will not see someone I don't think has my best interest in mind and/or isn't giving me the most natural remedy before going the medical way. I had the same argument when I choose to go ahead with a home birth! 

I do what I feel is right for myself and my family and knock on wood so far I have not been wrong with this path! Agree or disagree with me. This is what is in my heart, soul and head! Along with a little man called Ego doing a happy dance! stupid ego. 

A New Way of Thinking

Last Thursday my 5 year old son started complaining about his stomach hurting. Usually when he says that he has to go to the bathroom. This time however he couldn't go. So I decide to try some natural remedies - Prune Juice and increase his fruit intake. I get home Friday night from my party and Steve and my mom inform me that he was in more pain that night. So I call the health link and they tell me to keep doing what I'm doing and could got pick up a glycerine suppository or try a warm bath but if he's not better come Sunday then I should look into taking him in to see a Doctor.

I'm really not a big fan of doctors. The world is so attached to a quick fix or taking a pill or drugs to make them "feel" better instead of actually caring for their body. Proper diet, exercise and going to see a good Chiropractor is really all we need for proper maintenance! Making sure everything is in alignment will help restore the functions of your body! It wasn't until I was pregnant with my second child that I started to learn about the magic of a Chiropractor and the importances of it! I no longer take drugs to help cure a cold or flu symptom, couldn't while pregnant anyway. If I can't sleep or have a head ache I drink warm milk with brown sugar and vanilla. But after going regularly I sleep better and a head ache is usually because of lack of water! If I feel a cold coming on I gargle cayenne pepper and call to be squeezed in for a quick adjustment before it gets really bad!

Here is something that really irritates me. People that are always complaining that they are sick. And 90% of them are smokers, don't eat all that healthy and don't always exercise. Their body is trying to tell them something and they are not listening! They make excuses! The biggest one being addiction! It's stupid! My second irritation is they complain about having no money! They can spend over $50 per week give or take on cigarettes but God forbid they quit smoking and spend $40 a week on an adjustment! A cigarette is just as bad, if not worse than eating at McDonald's everyday having a big mac! Think about it! Your body is your temple! It's what keeps you on this planet. In this dimension. You don't want to live each day like it's your last. No, you want to take care of yourself so you can see tomorrow! Anyway I digress.

Today I was very proud Ethan asked to go see Dr. Paul . At first he said he didn't want to get his neck adjusted because it hurt. But then he said. And I quote "Wait a minute. I'm 5 now. It doesn't hurt any more!". So I picked up the phone and got us both in 15 minutes later! I was a bit upset with myself for not thinking about it myself! Last night was a sleepless night for me between the neighbours music, time change and Jaden's stuffy, teething nose and when Ethan came in to my room crying at 5am I started to worry a bit. I let him sleep in and posted I was going to take him to the Children's Hospital but on the other end I still didn't think it was really serious enough. I was just going with what the nurse said on the phone. Once Ethan was up I made him breakfast and he ate everything just fine. I wasn't in really any rush to go to emergency really. I talked to my grandmother and decided maybe my family doctor or a walk-in would be best until Ethan asked about Dr. Paul!

Dr. Paul showed me where the nerves connect for the digestive system and how I can see where he's out of line. It's pretty cool actually. I also knew that he would be able to tell if it was serious enough to head to the emergency! Ethan did great! Laughed after he got adjusted! Normally he freaks out! I got myself adjusted and booked us in next week! He still said his stomach was aching but I told him he's good enough for school and will be better soon now that we were adjusted!

I want to teach my children to embrace this new way of thinking! I love that Ethan doesn't like taking any medicine. My Papa told me I used to ask for a "Pill" when I was feeling a little under the weather. That just makes my own stomach turn thinking about how I used to be. I want my boys to be as healthy and they can be and embrace it! I also want to teach them that sometimes our bodies hurt but it's not a reason to stop doing things that need to be done! Life goes on and we will be going on with it!

Proof that I'm NOT Crazy

Yesterday my grandmother phoned to tell me that Sara Blakley, the creator of Spanx, has officially become the youngest self-made female Billionaire in the world! That is AMAZING! 


And how did she do it?


By VISUALIZING!


She was 29 when the idea came to her one night. Prior to that she was visualizing for 7 years! Now at 41 she's a billionaire! That right there goes to show everyone that it's never too late to start! I'm 29 right now! Just think... I could be a billionaire in 12 years. Now where is my billionaire idea? LOL 


Of course she worked as well! You can't expect the phone to ring if you are not out passing around your business card! Right? Right! 


That's not the point. The point is she used the power of positive thinking and visualizing to bring her entrepreneurial success. She like many around the world closed her eyes and seen herself where she is now. 


I'm using mantras. I have vision boards. I'm seeing success unfold before my own eyes in my life! I'm excited about Sara's success because it's proof I'm not crazy. Not to mention millions of other successful people in the world are and have used the same theory! They may not be "billionaires" but they are successful in their eyes and THAT is the point! 


My Vision is to be financially free! I haven't really pin pointed what success is for myself yet and I do need to change my vision board that is right now on the wall in the bathroom so I look at it every day! But I'm doing something. I have my vision board in my office for my dream car too which I blogged about in January! And I'm saying my mantra all the time! I remember watching a "Secret" like movie and one of the speakers said that life is like a missile. It must change it's course periodically to reach it's destination! Don't be afraid to change something in order to reach your goal! That's the beauty about life! 


I have my mantra set to go off every hour and a half! My 5 year old now says "I'm a Money Magnet" when it goes off! This morning even Steve said it! 


What is your vision? What is your mantra? 


This is what the Universe sent me via email Friday! 


It's not as if one could be bored enough, feel frustrated enough, or complain enough that their life would suddenly turn around. Doesn't work that way. 


Whatever anyone "is", Erin, they become more of. And anyone's is'ness is whatever they say it is. 


Happily, 


The Universe 


This couldn't be more true! Pay attention to your thoughts today! Listen to what you are thinking and what you are telling people. 


The Power IS in Positive Thinking!